Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Divine Press Release

Author's note: I didn't write this (though I wish I had) and I've had it for years and years, so I don't know whom to give credit, either. It's basically a modern take on well-known religious stories, pitted against today's media, and how they would read, say, on MSNBC or CNN--Fox would have quite a different "spin," I'm sure--if reported. You might have seen it before but I think it bears repeating now. I'll note that I received this little writing during the Clinton administration--no doubt it would be an entirely different thing if done while Bush, Jr. occupies office. With no further ado...

Divine Press Release

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal began when a 21-year-old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.

Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time," that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was "thrilled to have had his child." In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that "no sexual relationship existed," and that "the facts of this story will come out in time."

Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had allegedly tunneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives known as "Wise Men." Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.

Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.

In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plauged God's political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of cities Sodom and Gomorra was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a public land parcel in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.

If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. God recently outlined a "tough on crime" plan consisting of a series of ten "Commandments," which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.


Advocate1 said...

Now THIS is why Brandon and I wanted Katie to join us! Thanks much! I haven't laughted this hard since Brandon's piece about the Bush Nativity scene. Thanks much!

Brandon said...

Okay. This one got me. I haven't laughed so hard in weeks!