Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Ask Katie 12.14.05

By Dr. Katie McQuery, PhD

katiemcquery.jpg

Dear Katie,

A few nights ago my partner and I were driving home from a Gay-Straight Alliance Meeting when we saw a wounded possum in the road. Over my objections, my partner insisted on wrapping it in a blanket and taking it home. After a two-day death struggle the poor possum finally and mercifully passed away. Do you have any recipes for delayed road kill?

Grazed and Confused

Dear GaC,

Judging from the information gleaned in your letter, I can tell you live in rural Alabama. In a shack. With fourteen brothers and sisters. In one room. And only outdoor plumbing. Can’t you see that you have no way to care for a wounded possum within the confines of your circumstances? Clearly, you have no way to afford proper medical care. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you only have one or two teeth, so dental is obviously out of the question. What about vaccines? The poor thing probably has rabies and a condition like that simply won’t go away, much as you might want it to. Do you have a nice space for the animal to sleep? How about food and water? Do you know what possums eat? Can you even read the packaging the food comes in? How about a leash, for when Possy-Wossy has to use the potty? Do you have enough room amongst the seven junked-up, frame-only vehicles sitting at various points in your yard to give Possy ample play space? These are things you must consider when adopting a roadkill candidate. What’s that? You hadn’t thought about all those? I didn’t think so, either. You couldn’t even keep poor Possy alive two days, for heaven’s sake! How do you expect to raise a helpless little possum from the side of the road?

My advice? Get a plant.

Dr. Katie McQuery, PhD

Dr. Katie McQuery is a licensed psychiatrist with degrees from Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, Stanford, Columbia and Maui Community College. She has practiced psychiatry for over twenty years and published forty-seven books on the topic of professional advice-giving. Her newest book, Professional Advice-Giving for Dummies, will be out later next month.

6 comments:

Rhino-itall said...

hey katie are you actually a psychiatrist? or a psychologist or something?

Brandon said...

The fact that anyone could ask such a stupid question after reading a post like that says a lot. Not only are they Aurorians sociopathic, they're also humoristically challenged on top of it all.

Daniel Gallagher said...

Good sign from Rhino. The fact that he's getting interested in psychiatry suggests that he finally, FINALLY realizes that he and his buddies need help.

Kelli said...

RE "hey katie are you actually a psychiatrist? or a psychologist or something/"

Why, do you need one? Hell, we've known that for weeks!

Rhino-itall said...

wow, you guys are just mean. I knew the post was a joke, but i didn't know katie's background. my fault for thinking anyone on this blog was capable of getting an advanced degree of any kind. i mean except for the beauty school degree that kelli has of course.

Kate said...

Now, now, kids, let's not get nasty...Rhino simply had a question and that's cool...

To answer you, Mr. Rhino, no, I don't have a degree in it, I just thought it would be a fun little experiment. Although, sometimes I feel like I do, just because people are always asking me "Katie! I've got this horribly difficult situation! What do I DO?!" Of course, fabulous friend that I am, I don't coldly turn them away, I help them work through it. Although, maybe I should write that Dummies book, it could be really hilarious...