By Dr. Katie McQuery, PhD
A few nights ago my partner and I were driving home from a Gay-Straight Alliance Meeting when we saw a wounded possum in the road. Over my objections, my partner insisted on wrapping it in a blanket and taking it home. After a two-day death struggle the poor possum finally and mercifully passed away. Do you have any recipes for delayed road kill?
Grazed and Confused
Judging from the information gleaned in your letter, I can tell you live in rural Alabama. In a shack. With fourteen brothers and sisters. In one room. And only outdoor plumbing. Can’t you see that you have no way to care for a wounded possum within the confines of your circumstances? Clearly, you have no way to afford proper medical care. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you only have one or two teeth, so dental is obviously out of the question. What about vaccines? The poor thing probably has rabies and a condition like that simply won’t go away, much as you might want it to. Do you have a nice space for the animal to sleep? How about food and water? Do you know what possums eat? Can you even read the packaging the food comes in? How about a leash, for when Possy-Wossy has to use the potty? Do you have enough room amongst the seven junked-up, frame-only vehicles sitting at various points in your yard to give Possy ample play space? These are things you must consider when adopting a roadkill candidate. What’s that? You hadn’t thought about all those? I didn’t think so, either. You couldn’t even keep poor Possy alive two days, for heaven’s sake! How do you expect to raise a helpless little possum from the side of the road?
My advice? Get a plant.
Dr. Katie McQuery, PhD
Dr. Katie McQuery is a licensed psychiatrist with degrees from Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, Stanford, Columbia and Maui Community College. She has practiced psychiatry for over twenty years and published forty-seven books on the topic of professional advice-giving. Her newest book, Professional Advice-Giving for Dummies, will be out later next month.