Thursday, December 22, 2005

Ask Katie 12.22.205

Dear Katie,

Recently, I had to lay off more than 15,000 workers from my, company. Unfortunately, doing this four days before Christmas will have grave repercussions for both my company and our consumer society as we know it. But, my line of work essentially operates as a non-profit organization, with the only payment coming in the form warm dairy products and stale baked goods--usually involving sticky chocolate morsels. As much as I enjoy the holiday leftovers, it puts my company in the interesting position of not having a profit margin, hence the massive layoffs. Of course, despite my doing everything I can to stop this, the little wife won't quit with her incessant nagging to "get off my fat ass" and "get a real job, for a change." What does she expect, with my paycheck as a plate of cholesterol-laden goodies? Not to mention, she's not exactly the spring chicken she once was, either. But no matter. Katie, what do I do? How do I turn around the business in time for Christmas?

Bah Humbug

Dear Humbug,

So, from what I'm reading here, you layed off your entire workforce four days before Christmas, the only form of payment you accept for your services is expired food products and your wife can't stand the sloth-like hack you've become? Oh, where ever could you have gone wrong? Let me suggest this (and you're not going to like it): take your wife's advice and get a real job. How about helping out some of those overtaxed and clearly underpaid workers of yours? Do you even offer any kind of health insurance? I would assume not, since it's become so hard to bribe doctors with mushy chocolate-chip cookies these days. I suppose it's a good thing you've layed them all off, since it sounds to me like you would have had a strike any day now. Do these poor elves--I mean workers--even get bathroom breaks? Have you not thought about what your friendly labor board might think of these kinds of working conditions? What about the local union? Are you making sure the workers get two breaks and a lunch per 8-hour day? Let me guess: because it's so close to Christmas, they're all working their fingers to the bone in overtime. Or, at least, they were before you layed them off. Maybe they're secretly relieved, in a way, that they'll be able to stop praying for death because they just can't put one more jack in a box for little Susie's crappy Christmas present from a guy clearly out of touch with reality.

So, to really save your company, you might consider doing a little personal PR: ditch the corny suit, lose a 100 pounds and consider investing in a really slick ride. Because honestly--I can't say reindeer on a high-fiber diet are the hottest thing on the block.

Oh, and one more thing: lose the "my company" and "my workers" talk. You're not fooling anyone, Santa.

Dr. Katie McQuery is a licensed psychiatrist with degrees from Harvard, Yale, Brown, Princeton, Stanford, Columbia and Maui Community College. She has practiced psychiatry for over twenty years and published forty-seven books on the topic of professional advice-giving. Her newest book, Professional Advice-Giving for Dummies, will be out later next month.


Rhino-itall said...

Hey guys Merry Christmas, and happy Hanukkah, and if you Buddhists celebrate anything this time of year i hope its a good one!

Brandon said...

And, I have a Christmas Presenmt for our readers. I talked to the crew last night and we've decided that we need to put aside the idea that we need to protect each other. In many ways this is a family blog, and there's a natural tendency to protect loved ones.

After a very strange and humorous discussion of the issue we have decided that we are going to restore the anonymous comments forum.

In the meanwhile...

Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays
Merry Holidays
Happy Christmas
A Blessed Holiday
A Blessed Christmas
Happy Solstice
Merry Solstice
Happy Hanukkah
Merry Hanukkah
Happy Kwaanza
Merry Kwaanza
Seaons Greetings
Seasons Blessing
A Merry Season
A Happy Season
A Blessed Season
A Merry Holiday Season
A Happy Holiday Season
A Blessed Holiday Season
Christmas Greetings
Hanukkah Greetings
Happy Hanukkah Greetings
Merry Hanukkah Greetings
Blessed Hanukkah Greetings
Peaceful Hanukkah Greetings
Peaceful Christmas Greetings
Merry Christmas Greetings
Happy Christmas Greetings
Kwanza Greetings
A Joyous Season
Solstice Greetings
Happy Saturnalia
Merry Saturnalia
Saturnalia Greetings
Happy Sun Returneth Day
Merry Sun Returneth Day
A Blessed Sun Returneth Day
Happy New Year
A Blessed New Year
A Merry New Year
A Peaceful Christmas
A Peaceful Chanukah
A Peaceful Kwanza
A Prosperous New Year


If none of the above fit please be so kind as to fill in the blank below.