Friday, June 02, 2006

THE OFFICIAL GOP ATTITUDE PROBLEM TRVIA QUIZ

The following is a trivia quiz was released by the Republican Central Committee For Public Misinformation on May 32nd of this year as an attempt by the party leadership to explain its often bizarre and self contradicting policies. Originally titled the "GET ACQUAINTED WITH YOUR GOP TRIVIA QUIZ" , we here at the Coalition for a Republican-Free America have decided that a better name might be the....

THE OFFICIAL GOP ATTITUDE PROBLEM TRVIA QUIZ

PART 1: THE QUESTIONS


1. The idee fixe of your typical, right wing Republican is ________________
.

A.
The acquisition of more wealth at the expense of the lower and middles classes B. Eradicating Constitutional Government in favor of a repressive, fundamentalist theocracy C. Creating a nation which is dominated by white, protestant males
D. Causing death, misery, and destruction in the name of a greater American Empire.
E
. all of the above

2. Even though a minority of Republicans oppose abortions under all circumstances, those who do oppose abortion under all circumstances do so because ______________.

A. Democrats will use unborn children as an extra ingredient in peanut butter sandwiches. B. Republicans males get turned on easily by pregnant women
C. stretch marks a sexually stimulating to fundamentalist pastors
D
. we believe a child is sacred from the moment of conception until the moment it leaves the birth canal.
E. we have nothing better to do than bomb abortion clinics and harass unwed mothers.

3. Republicans enjoy and promote warfare because ____________.

A.
the all volunteer service attracts and results in the deaths of a disproportionate number of non-white minorities.
B.
Republicans are dedicated to creating a totalitarian Christian Empire.
C.
Republicans are naturally more violent and barbaric than liberals. D. Republicans have learned how to make war a lucrative activity for the wealthy corporations who contribute to Republican campaigns.
E.
all of the above

4. Republicans oppose the theory of evolution because ______________.


A.
evolution is only a theory
B.
a belief in evolution promotes crime and violence in our society
C
. Republicans don't want any of them there scientists to figure out that your typical low-brow Republican ranks somewhere between a Homo Erectus and Neanderthal man in the human family tree
D.
we just like causing trouble
E.
we haven't got anything better to do.

5. Wealthy Republicans like tax cuts for the wealthy because ___________.
A
. we like to take care of our own kind
B
. poor people don't contribute large amounts of money to our bloated campaign coffers C. because we feel nothing but contempt for the lower and middle classes
D.
we want to end the war on poverty and wage war on the poor as a part of our ongoing class war
E.
all of the above

6. Republicans support a Flag Protection Amendment___________.

A.
because we screwed up so badly on everything else
B.
because we support style over substance
C
. as opposed to the Constitution which he hate with a passion
D.
because we have no real issues to run on in 2006 E . all of the above.

7. Which of the following values do Republicans deplore the most?


A
. equality
B
. honesty
C
. integrity
D.
compassion
E.
patriotism

8. Which of the following groups to Republicans love to hate?

A . Free Masons, Catholics, New Age religionists, Jews, public school teachers, and the United Nations,
B.
Gays and lesbians, immigrants, Democrats, liberals, trial attorneys, non-Christians, freedom-protecting judges, civil rights leaders, blacks, labor leaders, war critics, and reporters
C.
oil company executives, war mongers, male prostitutes, the former CEO of Enron, Republican spin masters, fascists, Nazis, and reactionaries, and the bald guy who greets you at Sprawl Mart
D
. plumbers, electricians, doctors, firemen, ballerinas, busboys, waitresses, and veterinarians
E
. all of the above

9. Republicans want to ____________ Social Security.
A.
abolish
B.
enhance
C
. support
D
. embrace
E
. cheat

10. Republicans are opposed to gay marriage because___________.


A.
so many Republicans are serial monogamists, and have had so many failed marriages themselves, that they want to save gays and lesbians the agonies of a painful divorce B. we're afraid someone might have a good time.
C.
we're afraid they might be gay themselves
D
. we're bigoted, hate-mongering homophobes
E.
all of the above

11. Who was the greatest Republican in the history of the United States?


A
. Ulysses S. Grant for his bungling, inept style of governing.
B.
Warren G. Harding who, in addition to being corrupt, openly admitted that he was intellectually unfit for the job.
C.
Calvin Coolidge, who set the stage for the Great Depression
D
. Herbert Hoover, who didn't know what to do after the Great Depression struck
E.
Richard Nixon, who spied on friends and foes alike and fell from grace during the disgraceful Watergate Scandal.
F.
George W. Bush. who has somehow managed to ruin everything he has ever touched. G. None of the above.

12. A recent GOP poll indicated that Republicans enjoy which of the following hobbies.


A.
behaving responsibly and serving the American people
B.
lying, cheating, stealing, and waging wars of aggression which result in the deaths of thousands of innocent people.
C.
painting homoerotic portraits of George W. Bush in his favorite black leather bra; black leather panties, and black leather boots with 8 inch spiked heals
D.
going on hunting trips with Dick Cheney
E.
trying to convince Anne Coulter, and Bill O'Really that they should take their meds
F. Swinging from vines, pealing bananas with our feet, and grooming each others backs with our tongues

13. Republicans view the right to privacy as __________.

A
. an impediment to the creation of an American Reich
B
. an impediment to listening on in some really juicy conversations!
C
. an impediment to collecting private and/or political dirt on our many opponents
D
. a impediment to private and public conversations which might challenge our faith-based view of the world.
E.
all of the above.

14. Republicans love the public school system so much that they want to__________.

A. use it as a means to collect personal student information for the military
B.
denigrate public school teachers at every possible opportunity
C.
underfund our public schools in the hope that the entire system will collapse on itself
D.
fund paranoid home schoolers and openly religious private schools in the hope of hastening the collapse described in choice C.
E
. all of the above

15. The GOP believes that freedom of speech ___________.


A
. should be fiercely protected as long as it agrees with our policies and ultimate agenda B. should be trampled on when it might prove inconvenient for the Grand Old Party
C
. is a crock of warm spit
D
. should exist at the leisure of the Republican Central Committee
E
. all of the above

16. Which of the following words most accurately describes the nature of the modern Republican Party?


A.
dishonest
B.
moronic
C.
corrupt
D.
fascist
E
. hypocritical

PART 2: THE ANSWERS

1. The correct answer is E (all of the above)
. Contrary to what Democrats may say, the GOP is a big tent party. We welcome the greedy, the fanatical, the misogynistic, and the bloodthirsty. the only requirements in our party are an IQ equal to that of your most recent bowel movement and a willingness to repress freedom in the name of protecting freedom.

2. The correct answer is D ( we believe a child is sacred from the moment it is conceived until the moment it leaves the birth canal). Why should we support a child after it's born? junior should have shown a better judgement when he chose the womb in which he would develop. It's high time these damned infants demonstrated a little personal responsibility and got out of their cribs and went to work.

3. The correct answer is E (all of the above).
In addition to hating democracy, logic, and reason, Republicans are proud of the fact that we have found a way by which we can both, reduce the number of nonwhites in American society, and show our love for Jesus by killing anyone abroad who doesn't worship our loving Lord and Savior. The fact that we have learned how to turn a profit in the process is only icing on the cake, but we take our icing where we can get it.

4. The correct answer is C (Republicans don't want any of them there scientists to figure out that your typical, low-brow Republican ranks somewhere between Homo Erectus and Neanderthal Man in the human family tree) . We, in the Republican party, while proud of the fact that we owe the evolutionary scale a few million years of evolution, believe that our troglodytic, knuckle dragging ancestors deserve their privacy. To that end we support the Biblical version of creation--not only because it protects our proud, barbaric heritage, but also because Biblical is a lot easier to write and pronounce than the descriptive phrase "evolutionarily disadvantaged Republican."

5. Once again, the correct answer is E (all of the above)
. Despite claims that liberals want to wage a class war, the truth of the matter is that we have been waging and winning a class war against the lower class scum that still believes in American values and disapproves imperialism. Poor people aren't necessarily more violent nor homicidal than rich people, but to be on the safe side, doesn't it make sense to keep poor enough and hungry enough so that they don't have the energy to rebel against their corporate masters?

6. The correct answer is C (as opposed to the Constitution which we hate with a passion).
In a way this is a trick question. Granted, we drag out the flag protection amendment whenever we have nothing else to run on, but you were instructed the choose the answer which is the most appropriate, and that answer, as already stated is C. For too long the Constitution has stood in the way of a Unitarian system of government with an all powerful executive, a rubber stamp Congress, and a boot licking judiciary. The flag protection amendment distracts from the fact that we abhor the Constitution, personal liberties, and the Republic for which the flag stands. Our motto is very simple: "Save the flag, burn the constitution, and screw Democracy!"

7. Surprisingly enough, the correct answer is E (patriotism).
God help us if the American people ever figure out what we're really up to. The ensuing wave of patriotism would result in everything from political defeats, to charges of crimes against humanity. We manipulate values like equality, compassion, integrity, and honesty, because we have a propaganda machine that convinces the American people that we believe in those things. But to be truly patriotic you actually have to care about something beyond yourself, your own well-being, and your own class, and that is NOT what we are all about. Remember, this is a party that is based on hate, violence, greed, and totalitarianism. Many of us never served a day in the military, and most of those who did never saw an active day of combat. That may sound cold hearted, but you have to remember, that allowing others to die while we sit on our lazy asses and get richer and fatter is the natural order of life. We may give all the outward impressions of patriotism, but please don't think that your average Republican gives a damn about anyone except him or herself.

8. The correct answer is B (Gays, lesbians immigrants, democrats, liberals, trial attorneys, non-Christians, freedom protecting judges, civil rights leaders, blacks, labor leaders, war critics, and reporters). The people listed in choice A are more specifically hated and feared by the fringe elements of the Christian Right. Mainstream Republicans, on the other hand, hate, fear, and exploit the group listed in choice B.

9. The correct answer is A (abolis h). Get real people! Senior citizens vote Democratic. Moreover they actually expect to get something in return for all those years of hard work. As a party which embraces the time honored practice of allowing the strong to thrive while the weak die, we can hardly allow a program like social security to continue when it ensures the survival of a non-Republican bass! As compassionate conservatives (heh heh heh) we say abolish social security and let the seniors wither on the vine!

10. The correct answer is E (all of the above)
. Good grief, many Republicans have been married so many times that we have revolving doors on our bedroom doors! Why in the hell should we give these hoo-mo-SEX-u-als the right to make us look even worse than we already are by giving them civil unions and marriage? Think about this. What if they actually got the right to marry and proved to be more loyal to one another than we are? Would this not interfere with the spread of the AIDS virus, which, in Republican thinking, has been doing such a fine job at cleansing society of the wrong kinds of people? Moreover, we really don't like the idea that there are people out there who might be exercising their rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Not that we oppose the right to pursue happiness, we just want the right to define happiness and the power to determine who shall pursue it. Ned we go on?

11. The correct answer is G (none of the above).
We don't like to admit this, but we had our shot with Lincoln and we've been trying to move past the point of mediocrity ever since. That said, we do know how to win (some might say steal) elections; we have turned propaganda into a fine art, and once we're elected we can always tell the people that our failures are successes and that the damage we have caused is an improvement.

12. The correct answer is B (lying, cheating, stealing, and waging wars of aggression which result in the unnecessary deaths of thousands of innocent people).
This may sound harsh, but you have to remember that Propaganda Minister Carl Rove is a devout Machiavellian who believes that George W. Bush, and the GOP in general, like Machiavelli's Prince, only needs to appear moral. Beyond that we are free to act as we wish. No action, legal or otherwise, is off limits to the mighty Republican Party. Those who do not understand that the deaths of thousands of innocent people are inconsequential to the acquisition of totalitarian power in the hands of George W. Bush and the GOP do not understand the moral relativism under which this party operates.

13. The correct answer is E (all of the above).
According to conservative thought there is no right to privacy. In a sane universe your government should be allowed to listen in on your conversation, quarter troops in your home, search your homes and papers without warrants at any time of the day and night, and use private information against you and the people with whom, you communicate. If you have done nothing wrong you have nothing to be afraid of--unless of curse we really want to get you, in which case we will cook the evidence. Encouraging privacy might result in conversations which criticize our beliefs. This could prove dangerous when we truly believe that the American people should have a choice--either mouth our beliefs willingly and freely of your own free will, or agree with what we say and do because you're afraid of what we will do to you. How do you expect us to keep you safe in a totalitarian regime when you have the right to speak in private against us? Remember. We need to take away your freedom so that we can rule without interference from the people.

14. The correct answer is E (all of the above). As right wing revolutionaries, the Republican Party believes that any institution which promotes unpatriotic values such as higher reason, and the right to question authority should be subjected to political and budgetary difficulty until such time as we can convince at least two generations of children that the founding fathers intended to create a Christian Republic under a one Republican Party system. For that reason, the correct answer is E, all of these.

15. The correct answer is E (all of the above).
Freedom of speech is an acceptable practice as long as it is approved by and benefits the well being of the Republican movement. Please remember, however, that while everyone has freedom of speech, some people have more freedom of speech than others. All we ask is that we be allowed to determine how much freedom of speech each group or individual should be allocated

16 The correct answer is D (fascist).
We don't like to admit this, but the GOP has indeed evolved into a fascist entity. Granted, we are dishonest, moronic, corrupt, and hypocritical, but those are all qualities which one might find in a fascist regime. And since we have no regard for personal liberties nor for the well being of the American people...well...you get the picture


PART 3: SCORING

1 to 4 correct:
Congratulations! You know virtually nothing about the Republican Party! You're just the kind of stooge we're looking for! Would you like to distribute some of our disingenuous campaign literature this fall? Drag out those Brownshirt, jackboots, and SS uniforms. You'll be ours in no time.

5 to 8 correct: We're a little worried that you might become an independent. You know a little, but not enough to become a Democrat

9 to 12 correct:
We don't trust you. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing and you have more than a little. Know this well, You are on our list!

13 to 16 correct:
You know too much. You're a liberal traitor, and a threat to our thousand year American Empire. But don't worry. We will deal with you. JA

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