Monday, July 03, 2006

Post For Peace

6 June 2006

Herr Senator Wilhelm Frist
Office of the Depublican Reichstadt
666 Krieghure Office Building
Washington DC 20510-0666
Phone 202-UPYOURS

Johannes Von Todenschnell
Todenschnell Weaponry Systems Incorporate
7734 Goebbels Avenue
Aschloch, Tennessee 372055
Phone 1-800-SIGHEIL

Attention Herr Senator Frist

The Board and CEO of TWSI want to thank you and President Bush for your ongoing effort to promote war, death, and destruction. As you well know, we here at TWSI believe that war is a natural and beneficial state of human existence, that any attempt to curtail it is not only futile but detrimental to the bottom line.

That said I don't have to tell you that the Board and CEO are highly disturbed by recent opinion polls which show that a majority of Americans believe that the war in Iraq was a mistake. In our opinion this represents a dangerous change in public opinion which might actually result in the re-emergence of a modern day peace movement, and this, as we are sure you understand, will almost certainly result in American involvement in the occupation of Iraq.

As a producer of weapons of arms and weapons of mass destruction, we know better than most that a cessation of hostilities in Iraq or elsewhere will have an immediate and detrimental effect upon our third quarter profits, and may well prove injurious to our long term economic forecasts. It isn't that we don't care about the people who our products either kill or permanently mutilate, it's just that we recognize the fact that profit means more than the prevention of war, pestilence and famine. We have a duty to our board, CEO, and shareholders to guarantee that peace will never break out. War translates into sales, and sales translate into accelerated and increased profits. This cannot happen when the world's only remaining super power sets deadlines and withdraws, leaving us without a viable market.

As you know, Mister Frist, we have contributed heavily to you and your fellow Republicans in the past, and we are certain that you nor your fellow Republicans would want to do anything that might upset the dependable and continuous flow from our coffers into yours. With that in mind, Mister Frist, we would highly suggest that you and the Republican Party find a way to define war and destruction in terms of peace and freedom. This proven technique may not work on a majority of the American people, but we believe that the core bass of Christian Fundamentalists will provide our beloved Fuhrer and Decider with enough political capital to continue the ongoing effort in Iraq and quite possibly initiate yet another conflict in Iran.

Allow me to repeat the following points so that even our beloved Fuhrer and Decider will be able to understand the severity of the situation. Companies such as ours, indeed, war profiteering in general, cannot exist in an abnormal and counterproductive climate of peace and harmony between nations. Like our beloved Fuhrer, George W. Bush, and Reich Marshall Dick Cheney, we understand that human life is irrelevant when the bottom line can be served.

We therefore call upon you, Herr Doktor, to use your influence to portray those who would end this destructive conflict as cowards and traitors. Whether they have served honorably in previous conflicts is irrelevant. The moment they speak out against the war and the almost inevitable war profiteering by which we profit they are placing our economic future in jeopardy.

In closing I would like to quote a song that our employees sing during our mandatory motivational rallies. It's really quite simple--even our beloved Fuhrer could read and remember lines as simple and as true as these. They go like this:

"War is good
War is fun
War is good for everyone."

Yours truly,
Siegfried W. Buckgrabber,
Vice President Todenschnell Weaponry Systems Incorporated


glenda said...

thanks. love it.

dusty said...

I love this snarky post for peace :)

Peacechick Mary said...

Brilliant. Follow the bucks!

Donnie McDaniel said...


Anonymous said...

"We're at war with Eurasia...No...wait...we're at war with Oceania."

thepoetryman said...

Roll on Peace Train!
Bring your banners!
Bring your warble on by!
Roll on!
Roll on Peace Train!
Warble your bravery to the sky!
Roll on!
Roll on!
Roll on!
Roll on!
Roll on!
Roll on!