Saturday, September 23, 2006
BUSH APPLAUDS GOP COMPROMISE ON SEXUAL SADISM
BUSH APPLAUDS GOP COMPROMISE ON SEXUAL SADISM
Claims Torture Not a Means to Personal Gratification
From the NPR Press
By Brandon and Daniel
WASHINGTON DC: Grinning broadly as the foam collected at the corner of his mouth, President George W. Bush denied that he was promoting a policy of torture as a means by which to obtain personal sexual gratification. According to President Bush, the Senate's recent approval of sex abuse and sexual-sociopathy as viable techniques in both, judicial and foreign policy, is designed to protect the American people against terrorist attacks and not to placate the President's repressed psych-sexual dysfunctions.
"This is a great day in the history of the United States," proclaimed Bush. "In a single swoop we have abolished the constitution and given sexual perverts a legal method by which to practice their addictive proclivities." Bush, who wore a Waffen SS Uniform; a leather girdle to conceal his increasingly flabby middle section, and black, leather boots with eight inch spike heals, maintained that torture and the infliction of severe physical injury would place America on the same par as past Super Powers, including, but not limited to Nazi Germany, Communist China, and the former Soviet Union.
"It isn't that we looked into the eyes of the enemy and became the enemy," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "It's just that we have so many perverts and psychopaths in this Administration that we have to give them a legal outlet for their destructive behavior." When asked why the Administration had acquired so many deviants Cheney, in an unusual moment of honesty quipped, "Hiring people with criminal proclivities creates a situation in which blackmail from the top makes our advisers more obedient."
Ironically approval of the National Sadism and Sexual Abuse Act is the result of a compromise in which Senators John McCain (R-Arizona), Lindsay Graham (R-South Carolina), and John Warner (R-Virginia) sold out for political and/or personal reasons and agreed to support a measure which they had previously described as immoral and unamerican.
Said McCain, "I studied the situation very carefully and realized that my political ambitions meant more than my personal integrity so I joined the cult of sexual sadists." Wearing red hot pants, fish net nylons, and cheap, plastic boots with clear heals, the sleazey, two cent Senator proudly announced that his morals depended upon which Republican in power had the most to offer at the most convenient time. "Whoever leaves the most cash on the nightstand," added McCain, "That is the person to whom I will sell out."
Senator Graham agreed. Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference, the lisping, limp-wristed former FAG--ur ah--JAG Prosecutor frequently wiped the President's brown fecal matter from his lips as he praised the compromise which effectively stripped the American government of anything and everything that once resembled morality. "Morals are for menials and fools who buy that bullshit from Right Wing Politicians during election cycles," Graham giggled. "In fighting terrorism," Graham continued, "We recognize that the only way to fight the evil of Islamic Fundamentalism is by becoming more evil and more depraved than our enemy while we enjoy every moment of it"
Graham's comments were mirrored by Senator John Warner of Virginia. Warner, who denied that he was the President's least favorite bitch, stated that he had no problems with torture as a means by which to obtain information. "I see torture and sex abuse as normal types of behavior," intoned Warner. "I personally think we should legalize sexual assault and then regulate it in the same way that we do bear and deer hunting."
Former Secretary of State Colin Powell was outraged. Powell, who in 2003 made a fool of himself before the United Nations while promoting a war against a nation which had neither, ties to 911 nor weapons of mass destruction, insisted that the compromise on torture was a compromise of our national ideals. "This is a sad day in the history of the United States," said Powell. "It undermines our moral authority in ways that these stupid fucks can't even begin to understand." When asked if his former coworkers in the Administration understood the basic concept of a human concept, Powell replied, "Nahh, that would be a human characteristic."
The President however was optimistic. "As a devout, Christian man, I can see the benefits of rape, torture, and even murder," Bush giggled, wiping the foam from his mouth. "I think Jesus would approve."