Tuesday, October 11, 2005



From the Anal Retentive Press

By Brandon Alexander Geraghty Mackenzie


Brian Jonathan Sinclaire

GROVER’S MILL. After decades of debate, the question pertaining to life in outer space has finally been answered; sentient beings exist in other Solar Systems and they are not vulnerable to premeditated attacks by the Bush Administration Thanks in large part to the kind of bungling and outright ineptitude that we saw during the Bush War in Iraq and the debacle in Louisiana following Hurricane Katrina, planet earth narrowly avoided a war with ET and his extra-terrestrial compatriots.

According to Secretary of War, Donald Rumsfeld, the trouble began on October 13 of this year when ET, the loveable Extra-Terrestrial, chartered a mother ship to contact his friend Elliot who he had befriended in 1983. United States radar installations indicated a large, unidentified object flying west towards the Pacific Coast at 6:35 AM , Thursday. Pentagon officials informed the President at 7:00 AM only moments after the first Lady talked him out from under their bed. Within moments after reading a classified memo titled “FIRST CONTACT WITH EXTRA TERRESTRIALS,” which the dyslexic president misread as “FIRST CONTACT WITH EXTRA TERRORISTS,” orders were handed down to initiate a conventional military strike against the advancing object,

“It wasn’t until the alien vessel proved invulnerable to our military might that we realized we were in serious trouble,” Rumsfeld noted. “It seems as if all conventional weapons are useless against their kind of technology.”

Secretary of State, Condoleezza Rice was justifiably concerned. “My advice to the American people is that they stick their heads between their legs and kiss their asses goodbye,” Rice chuckled. “For those of us who never wondered nor cared what it was like to be an innocent Iraqi during Shock and Awe, I think we can safely assume that we are about to find out.”

Rumsfeld agreed. “We had no idea as to what they were talking about,” said Rumsfeld. “They kept repeating the same old nonsense about ‘ET phone home, ET phone home.’ It sounded like a declaration of war from intergalactic terrorists so we decided to go nuclear.”

The first nuclear weapons to be used in a time of war since 1945 were launched at 6:30 p.m. Eastern time, over Los Angeles, California with little effect to the aliens, although the entire city had been thoroughly flattened with a loss of approximately 850,000 to 960,000 million human fatalities. “Oops,” Rumsfeld chuckled. “They (the aliens) seem to have some kind of defense barrier which protects them from the harmful effects of nuclear weapons,”

When asked if the President would be taken to a secure location, the befuddled secretary inadvertently told the truth. “The President will go into hiding like he did during Vietnam and on the morning of 9-11.” Rumsfeld snickered. “What do you expect--character and courage? Just as soon as we launder the brown stains out of his Mickey Mouse boxers we’ll be heading for a secure Bunker in the Rocky Mountains. You’re on your own folks.”

Bush, of course agreed. “I’m better ahhhh, than the ahhhhh, typical bone-head who ahhhh voted for me,” the quivering President stammered. “I believe ahhhh, that ahhhh, Jesus ahhh ahhhh ahhhh chose me to ahhhh save my ahhhh asssss. The rest of you are ahhhh well ahhh…on your ahhh own. Bye!”

When asked if the President would actually go into hiding while innocent people were left to fend for themselves and die, Rumsfeld was unusually direct and to the point. “This has been our standing policy towards enlistees in Iraq and towards the poor in Louisiana. Why should this be any different?”

Ironically, by Sunday morning the aliens had yet to launch a counter offensive, leaving many to believe that their intentions were genuinely benevolent, a possibility which Rice, dismissed out of hand.

“We are dealing with a race of beings with no signs of external genitalia. This in my opinion, suggests that they may be homosexual or at least sexually ambiguous. Nor have they accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. In the president’s opinion this makes them a morally inferior species.” Continuing in the same, delusional vein, Rice added, “The president considers it his duty as a born again lunatic to wipe out all beings who do not live up to his religious and sexual standards.”

To complicate the matter further, American scientists who attempted communication with the alien craft were summarily arrested and taken to secret FEMA internment camps. “The last thing we need is some rationalist trying to clear the fog of distrust and paranoia,” Rumsfeld snapped. "This administration thrives in darkness and secrecy--rather like a fungus in that regard."

Only when the aliens bypassed corporate control of the media and issued peace messages in every known earth language did the situation resolve itself. According to the aliens, their sole purpose was to initiate a reunion between Elliot and his beloved friend, ET. This, according to the aliens, would be the first time since November 1, 1983 that ET and his young friend had been offered a chance to meet under more benevolent circumstances.

“The last time I was here,” ET explained, “a bunch of goof balls from the Reagen administration, spied on an entire community, invaded everybody’s privacy, violated Elliot’s Constitutional Rights, kidnapped me, and subjected me to bizarre medical experiments. And while I haven’t undergone any poking and prodding this time, I see the Republicans have retained their same contempt for basic liberties that they had under RayGun.”

With the Bush Administration again humiliated, the President was forced to name Elliot as the official ambassador to the Alien Home world.

“With Elliot exiled on another planet,” Bush chuckled, “He ah, he ah, he ahhhhh won’t be able to ahhhh con-tam-in-ate the YEW-nited States with love, peace and ah –and ah-and ah, tol-ler-anssse.”

ET, however had other ideas. "The Aliens from Close Encounters are some of the best legal minds in the Galaxy," he told the crew at Entertainment Tonight. "I still haven't forgotten how I was treated more than 20 years ago. And I see how they treat people today. If I were the Republicans I'd start looking for lawyers who know their way around a War Crimes Tribunal."

1 comment:

Chuck said...

My kind of blog for sure!