From the Coalition Press
by Advocate 1 and Brandon
WASHINGTON DC--In yet another attempt to both anger and polarize the American people along theo-political lines, former Congressman Tom Delay (BahHumBug Party, Texas) unveiled what the GOP calls the American Christmas Protection Act.
According to Delay. the measure "has become necessary to keep uppity Jews, Muslims, and nonbelievers in their majority assigned place. Grumbling at a hastily arrange press conference before his favorite pub in Washington DC, Delay, a supposedly recovering alcoholic and possible sociopath, openly condemned as un-American those who refuse to celebrate the Christmas Holiday in a religiously correct fashion.
"There's a Reich way and a wrong way to celebrate this thing," Delay stammered. "And its time that we made a living hell for those who won't share the love, joy, and peace of the season."
The American Christmas Protection Act, Delay maintained, requires both, nonbelievers and non-Christians, to celebrate the Christmas Holiday in a legally prescribed manner. Traditional hymns and carols such as "O Holy Night," "Away in a Manager," "Oh Come All Ye Faithful," "Hark the Herald Angels Sing," and the ever popular "Silent Night" would become mandated standards, while songs of a "less devout nature" would be explicitly prohibited by the force of law. This, critics claim, would effectively ban the public and private performances of holiday classics such as "Toyland," "Sleigh Ride," "Blue Christmas," "Jingle Bells," "Jingle Bells Rock," "The Christmas Song," "Frosty the Snowman," "Here Comes Santa Claus," "Up on the House Top," "Winter Wonderland," "A Holly Jolly Christmas," "Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer," "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," "I Saw Mommy Doing Santa Claus, and the repugnant "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer."
On a similar fashion, the Welsh traditional, "Deck the Halls," would be strictly repressed because of its brief reference to gay apparel. Songs, prayers, and chants pertaining to any Deity except the one found in the original King James Bible would be strictly prohibited as well.
"This is the holiest time of the year," Delay insisted, "not a time to promote Satanic symbols like Santa Claus and the homosexual agenda."
In addition to requiring and banning an extensive list of prayers, chants, and songs, Delay's proposed legislation would also require all property owners, regardless of religious affiliation to "erect prominent and respectful manger scenes in a prominent and readily-viewed location." Supposedly secular or even Satanic symbols such as Christmas trees, which can be traced back to pagan roots, or Santa, whose name is an anagram of Satan, would be strictly forbidden. Also banned would be public and private displays of holly, ivy, mistletoe, or any other plant or "cultural icon" which can trace its original function or symbolism back to pre-Christian or non-Christian faiths.
If passed, the legislation would impose a penalty of 30 pieces of silver and 30 lashes for the first offense. Second time offenders would be sentenced to 40 days and 40 nights in Colorado Springs, Colorado and forced to eat generous helpings of fruit cake with former pastor Ted Haggard. Third time offenders would be boiled in their own pudding and buried with a stake of holy through their hearts.
When asked if the legislation and the initial penalty for a first time offense might create a hardship for the unemployed, homeless, and working poor, Delay asked: "Are there no prisons? Are there no workhouses?"
Support for the American Christmas Protection Act will almost certainly find widespread support within the ultra-fundamentalist community.
"Praise the Lord and Hallelujah!" Roared the Reverend Rob Paterson, founder and president of Citizens Rallied Against Progressive Policies (or CRAPP). Staring down from his pulpit with a sour, Grinchy frown, Patterson gleefully welcomed the idea of a mandatory, tax-funded Christmas celebration. "We'll hang all the heathens," he said with a sneer. "It soon will be Christmas, it's practically here!"
For many, however, the American Christmas Protection Act is neither American nor Protective. Indeed some, would deny that it is even Christian.
"Using Christmas as a weapon to anger and polarize the American people during the holiest time of the year," said the Reverend Brandon Geraghty, founder and pastor of the Wisconsin-based First Church of Reason. "That's an interesting take on the situation. I've always thought of Christmas as a kind. forgiving, charitable, pleasant time..when men and women seem seem by one content to open therir shut-up hearts freely...Not as as a time to force others to worship as we would see fit."
Passage of the American Christmas Protection Act is dubious at best. "Americans like their Christmas Holiday," Geraghty added "but they still don't want to persecute people for calling God by a different name."
In addition, Kelli Fitzgerald , founder and President of Americans Neutralizing Goofy Evangelical Lunacy (or ANGEL) took both Delay and Paterson to task. "Americans are a pretty tolerant bunch," Fitzgerald informed the befuddled cultural warriors. "And Christmas is a rather resilient holiday to boot. It comes without ribbons, it comes without tags. It comes without packages, boxes or bags!"
Delay, who denied that he had just polished off his fourth Manhattan, said nothing, although he did stammer a flurry of obscenities before he stumbled and fell into the front row of reporters.
Paterson offered no response.