From the Anal Retentive Press
PHUQUEDUHP, ARKANSAS--Obadiah F. U. Wichanger, the newly elected District Attorney of Hellhole County, South Dakota announced today that his office would seek the death penalty in the case of little Johnny Gilchrist, the 9-month-old infant whose premature birth on December 25 of last year resulted in the death of the child's mother, the late Helena K. Gilchrist, age 24. According to Kelli Fitzgerald. the elder Gilchrist's gynecologist, the premature birth which began at the Gilchrist home and which was brought to its tragic conclusion at the Hellhole County Medical Center, resulted in an unexpected uterine hemmhorage which resulted in the mother's untimely death.
In the weeks following Gilchrist's demise, Wichanger, who had run for the position of DA on a pro life/pro execution platform and decided to bring a charge of Murder One against the unsuspecting infant. As a result, Baby Gilchrist, a racially mixed child, was subsequently tried at the Hellhole County Courthouse, where, after a week long trial, he was found guilty by an all white jury in less than two and a half minutes.
Appearing in his highchair only moments after his conviction, Baby Gilchrist offered the following statement: "Goo Goo Ga Ga," gurgled Gilchrist. "WHAH! WHAH! WHAH!"
None of which seemed to have an effect on Wichanger. Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference in Phuquedup, the fanatical DA told the assembled reporters that he had "few if any problems" when it came to sending an infant to the electric chair. "The Bible is clear on this matter," said Wichanger. "If you kill someone you are a murderer. If you spill innocent blood the state has a right to make you pay the ultimate price. And this child clearly spilled innocent blood." According to Wichanger the youth and obvious innocence of the alleged killer were irrelevant. "There can be no exceptions," noted Wichanger. "To show any kind of mercy in a case like this would establish a prescedence for moral relevance which might contaminate our Fundamentalist world view with rational thought.
But Kyle Kilpatrick, a leading attorney for the Coalition for a Republican-Free America, wasted little time as he condemned Wichanger's hypocrisy. "Something has gone very wrong when we're executing people who are still in diapers," noted Kilpatrick " It was bad enough when these so called 'Christians' wanted to execute juvenile offenders, but this kid doesn't know enough to stop pooping in his pants much less how to kill someone. The idea that a white judge and an all white jury could let this case go this far shows how utterly obtuse these half-baked fanatics have become."
Kilpatrick's comments drew a sharp condemnation from the Assistant DA, Kitty Lhitther. Appearing before the 150 year old building which serves as both, Phuquedup's combined Southern Baptist Church and Child Porn Center, the former televangelist turned legal hawk defended Wichanger's policy of social Darwinism. "For the life of me I don't know why Kilpatrick is so pissed off about this," growled Lhitther. "Fundamentalism teaches us that birth begins at the moment of conception and ends when junior leaves the birth control."
The 56-year-old Wichanger agreed. "As a born again obsessive compulsive, I prefer to believe that this is just a continuation of our right wing fiscal policy. We typically deny women abortions and birth control and then cut services for poor parents and working families. The fact that a few infants may go hungry, suffer from malnutrition, or starve to death is hardly of importance to the radical right, since junior stops being human once he leaves the mother's womb."
True to form, the Phuquedup public agreed. In a recent opinion poll taken by the Southern Center For Better Cross Burning, up top 80 percent of the Phuquedup population believed that it was all right to prevent an abortion even in cases of rape and incest, while only 17 percent believed that the actual child was entitled to a physical existence after birth. Still another three percent believed that the right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness should be limited to the time between conception and birth.
"I work my ass off," said one Phuquedup resident. "I don't want a single penny of my hard earned money to support some kid that I didn't sire. And God knows I've sired enough of them! If the parents can't support him let them get a second or third job. I see no reason why children under the age of one can't take care of themselves. It's about time these little brats took a little personal responsibility and chose the wombs in which they were conceived with a little more caution."
Again, Kilpatrick was outraged. "Isn't it amazing how the same people who talk about decency and morality are the same people who are too greedy, and self-involved to step up to the plate once the child is born? I guess this is the paradox of the Christian right. The preborn are sacred. The born are not."
Still, Wichanger and the people of Phuquedup may be in for a disappointment. In a landmark decision, federal Judge Daniel Gallagher ruled that the State of South Dakota did not have the legal right to execute an infant. "This is the most foolish thing that I've ever heard of," said Gallagher. "I dont know if it's too cold up there for brain function, or if their thought processes has been perverted by too much interbreeding, but we sure as hell don't fry someone before he or she can say 'mama' or 'dada.' I am therefore instructing the local court and District Attourney Wichanger to drop all charges and to report to the nearest mental health center for an immediate lobotomy. "
Despite this obvious set back, Wichanger believes that he has enough on his plate to keep himself busy for at least the next four or five years. "My next project will be the protection of the the pre-conceived," said Wichanger. "My office is giving serious consideration to filing undetermined charges against any individual who murders sperm cells either through masturbation, wet dreams, or premature ejaculation."
The late Helena Gilchrist offered no comment.