Friday, February 24, 2006

DA SEEKS DEATH PENALTY

DA SEEKS DEATH PENALTY IN KILLER BABY CASE
From the Anal Retentive Press
by Brandon A. Geraghty

PHUQUEDUHP, ARKANSAS--Obadiah F. U. Wichanger, the newly elected District Attorney of Hellhole County, South Dakota announced today that his office would seek the death penalty in the case of little Johnny Gilchrist, the 9-month-old infant whose premature birth on December 25 of last year resulted in the death of the child's mother, the late Helena K. Gilchrist, age 24. According to Kelli Fitzgerald. the elder Gilchrist's gynecologist, the premature birth which began at the Gilchrist home and which was brought to its tragic conclusion at the Hellhole County Medical Center, resulted in an unexpected uterine hemmhorage which resulted in the mother's untimely death.

In the weeks following Gilchrist's demise, Wichanger, who had run for the position of DA on a pro life/pro execution platform and decided to bring a charge of Murder One against the unsuspecting infant. As a result, Baby Gilchrist, a racially mixed child, was subsequently tried at the Hellhole County Courthouse, where, after a week long trial, he was found guilty by an all white jury in less than two and a half minutes.

Appearing in his highchair only moments after his conviction, Baby Gilchrist offered the following statement: "Goo Goo Ga Ga," gurgled Gilchrist. "WHAH! WHAH! WHAH!"

None of which seemed to have an effect on Wichanger. Speaking at a hastily arranged press conference in Phuquedup, the fanatical DA told the assembled reporters that he had "few if any problems" when it came to sending an infant to the electric chair. "The Bible is clear on this matter," said Wichanger. "If you kill someone you are a murderer. If you spill innocent blood the state has a right to make you pay the ultimate price. And this child clearly spilled innocent blood." According to Wichanger the youth and obvious innocence of the alleged killer were irrelevant. "There can be no exceptions," noted Wichanger. "To show any kind of mercy in a case like this would establish a prescedence for moral relevance which might contaminate our Fundamentalist world view with rational thought.

But Kyle Kilpatrick, a leading attorney for the Coalition for a Republican-Free America, wasted little time as he condemned Wichanger's hypocrisy. "Something has gone very wrong when we're executing people who are still in diapers," noted Kilpatrick " It was bad enough when these so called 'Christians' wanted to execute juvenile offenders, but this kid doesn't know enough to stop pooping in his pants much less how to kill someone. The idea that a white judge and an all white jury could let this case go this far shows how utterly obtuse these half-baked fanatics have become."

Kilpatrick's comments drew a sharp condemnation from the Assistant DA, Kitty Lhitther. Appearing before the 150 year old building which serves as both, Phuquedup's combined Southern Baptist Church and Child Porn Center, the former televangelist turned legal hawk defended Wichanger's policy of social Darwinism. "For the life of me I don't know why Kilpatrick is so pissed off about this," growled Lhitther. "Fundamentalism teaches us that birth begins at the moment of conception and ends when junior leaves the birth control."

The 56-year-old Wichanger agreed. "As a born again obsessive compulsive, I prefer to believe that this is just a continuation of our right wing fiscal policy. We typically deny women abortions and birth control and then cut services for poor parents and working families. The fact that a few infants may go hungry, suffer from malnutrition, or starve to death is hardly of importance to the radical right, since junior stops being human once he leaves the mother's womb."

True to form, the Phuquedup public agreed. In a recent opinion poll taken by the Southern Center For Better Cross Burning, up top 80 percent of the Phuquedup population believed that it was all right to prevent an abortion even in cases of rape and incest, while only 17 percent believed that the actual child was entitled to a physical existence after birth. Still another three percent believed that the right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness should be limited to the time between conception and birth.

"I work my ass off," said one Phuquedup resident. "I don't want a single penny of my hard earned money to support some kid that I didn't sire. And God knows I've sired enough of them! If the parents can't support him let them get a second or third job. I see no reason why children under the age of one can't take care of themselves. It's about time these little brats took a little personal responsibility and chose the wombs in which they were conceived with a little more caution."

Again, Kilpatrick was outraged. "Isn't it amazing how the same people who talk about decency and morality are the same people who are too greedy, and self-involved to step up to the plate once the child is born? I guess this is the paradox of the Christian right. The preborn are sacred. The born are not."

Still, Wichanger and the people of Phuquedup may be in for a disappointment. In a landmark decision, federal Judge Daniel Gallagher ruled that the State of South Dakota did not have the legal right to execute an infant. "This is the most foolish thing that I've ever heard of," said Gallagher. "I dont know if it's too cold up there for brain function, or if their thought processes has been perverted by too much interbreeding, but we sure as hell don't fry someone before he or she can say 'mama' or 'dada.' I am therefore instructing the local court and District Attourney Wichanger to drop all charges and to report to the nearest mental health center for an immediate lobotomy. "

Despite this obvious set back, Wichanger believes that he has enough on his plate to keep himself busy for at least the next four or five years. "My next project will be the protection of the the pre-conceived," said Wichanger. "My office is giving serious consideration to filing undetermined charges against any individual who murders sperm cells either through masturbation, wet dreams, or premature ejaculation."
Wichanger would not offer a direct response when asked about wasted ova, saying only, "We're looking into the possibility of criminalizing any medication or device which interferes with fertilization in any way shape or form."

The late Helena Gilchrist offered no comment.

2 comments:

Mandelbrot's Chaos /Daniel Gallagher said...

Since Mandelbrot's Chaos seems to answer this post as much as it does the other, I have taken the liberty of copying it here as well.

Daniel Andrew Gallagher


Mandelbrot's Chaos said...
Yes, because demonizing the "enemy" worked so well for the Soviet Union. After all, didn't the Soviet Union celebrate the 85th anniversary of the Bolshevik Revolution not more than three or four years ago? I'm not calling you socialists or communists. I'm calling you wide-eyed, naïve partisan ideologues who lately have preferred shouting at the darkness as your alternative to lighting a candle.

I once respected this website, but turned away from it as it devolved from intelligent, insightful commentary into mindless invective. If you're going to be angry, be angry, but do so in a reasoned manner. If you're going to use humor, by all means, be funny. However, you have achieved neither while rather poorly, crudely, and childishly attempting both.

I frequent liberal and libertarian blogs, and to a far lesser extent, conservative blogs, and there's a reason I removed a link to your site from my blog. The comments above outline those nicely.

And for the love of whatever you find holy, whatever is being typed should be in a readable format. The words should not be running over each other and be in a font size that causes the lines to overlap. That means you, Brandon. And please, use a writing style that's more subtle than an old Gallagher comedy show or an episode of the O'Reilly Factor.

11:42 PM

Daniel Gallagher said...

That way I can answer it in a proper context.

You have completely misundertsood what we're about.

I was telling Brandon just the other night that we should start a church and call it THE FIRST CHURCH OF MANDELBROT'S ENLIGHTENMENT.

Since we have nothing better to do than sit around all night and sing the praises of such a supposedly superior being with an IQ of -140 (sorry bout the - sign, we're such crappy typists around here!) we decided we might as well deify you before your megalomania did that for you.

It would have worked like this. Bandon would have written glorious gospels. Suggested titles included: THE MIRACLES OF MANDELBROT; The GOSPEL OF PERFECTION ACCORDING TO MANDELBROT; THE DIVINITY OF CHAOS, and (my personal favorite) MANDELBROT AND THE 72 HOOKERS.

You get the idea. We would have written about your compassion for the rich and powerful. The proposed SERMON FROM WALLSTREET would have been a classic. I especially like the scene where you walk on fine French wine, although the story about how you fed three people on $5,000 wouldn't have been too tacky either. Of course, there was the part about how you rode into Washington in a custom made Rolls Royce, upset the Bush Administration and got into heaps of trouble was...disturbing. The scene where Carl Rove hands you over to the Neocons for crucifixion was a little upsetting too, but your return engagement was a real hoot! Especially since we had you coming back in a flashy classic car (Trevor likes a 1936 Auburn--he actually HAS one-- but that's open for debate). Your return to the Celestial Maker was impressive as were the various Acts and Letters from your many hellacious Apostates.

It's a pity. Really, it is! Brandon thought we might build an altar. Kelli thought we might round up a few chosen virgins (whores would do in a pinch) so that they could dance themselves to death as they proficiate the great God Mandelbrot. Kyle thought he might start a cult so that we could have a series of religious wars in your name! I would have glady evolved out of atheist phase to become your mortal representative among the mere masses. Kind of like a gay Pope, although I would have differed from the Catholic Clergy in that I prefer partners over the age of 18, but I'm getting off topic. Advocate 1 thought we'd erect a bronze statue in your honor. Karen would have gladly served as the treasurer and I'm sure Rachel (being a former music teacher) would have gladly written a hymnal of new songs, singing the praises of the great and glorious Mandelbrot.

But now we don't know WHAT to do. Our chosen God has rejected us! He won't offer his advice on what and how we shuld write on our own blog! He doesn't want to link with us! He doesn't write! He doesn't call! We feel so EMPTY! We feel so USED!

Life can't go on without the blessing of Mandelbrot! We are HEART-BRO-KEN! Ab-soooo-looot-leeee fuck-ing HEART-BROKEN! Our beloved Deity has rejected us!

Whatever shall we DO!

Oh what to shit,we'll think of something. Life goes on.

Ciao

Daniel

What EVER shall we do?