The CEO and Board of Directors of The Shaft Oil Company would like to thank you for your past support of our corporation
As you well know, our Board and CEO are dedicated to profit above all else, but in recent years even we have become concerned about the possibility of a dwindling oil supply. We, like you, believe that it is our duty to prop up this ill-fated industry until such time as we deplete the oil supply and addict the American people to an alternative source of nonrenewablesTo that end we are submitting a series of bills to both, the House of Representatives and the United States Congress. As in the past, they have been written by individuals in our legal and accounting departments, with little to no thought about consumers or the environment. Please make certain that the bills in question are proposed in the exact forms that our attorneys have written them. And, if it isn't too inconvenient, please try to keep these bills out of the public spotlight for as long as possible. The idea here is to avoid debate and discussion. Open debate and discussion might actually involve the American people, and since it is their pockets that we will be picking, and their lives that we will be endangering, they might not approve of our overall policy of "fleece now and never worry."
In other words, we would be highly, highly, appreciative if the matter were discussed in a smoke-filled back room at 2:00 to 4:00 in the morning, when measures such as this are more likely to escape the scrutiny of the very liberal media. We have done our utmost to use language that is both deceptive and Orwellian, in effect deceiving the American consumer for whom we have no respect at all, but one can't be too careful.
Please allow us to summarize the contents of our new energy proposals.
1. The Shaft Oil Company will receive subsidies for oil--even after the last drop has been drained from the planet of the earth and subsequently consumed by our customers. Said subsidies, like your very generous tax cuts, shall be made permanent.
2. As alternative nonrenewable sources of energy (such as coal and natural gas) supplement and replace oil, we will demand governmental subsidies for these products as well.
3. During our search for alternative, nonrenewable sources, the Shaft Oil Company demands immunity from lawsuits which might result from our irresponsible actions. To that end we demand, that the federal government abolish any law or regulation which might protect workers in both, the fossil fuel and nuclear industries.
4. When nonrenewable sources eventually prove obsolete, the Shaft Energy Company will purchase up to 51 percent interest in the sun, the wind, and ocean currents, or in any other force of nature which might eventually prove useful in the production of energy. As an extra protection we would propose legislation legalizing a broad variety of monopolies, said legislation to be referred to as the "Energy Diversification Act."
5. To avoid the cost intensive expenses associated with the construction of nuclear power plants, we would request the importation of illegal, immigrant workers from the following countries: Mexico, China, India, Pakistan, Afghanistan, the United Arab Emirates, Syria, and Iran.
6. To perpetuate the current state of oligarchy, we would also like to see an elimination of any state or federal statute which might prevent us from personally funding the election of any candidate at the local, country, state, or federal level.
7. We would also ask that future Republican Administrations limit their cabinet employees to those individuals who are serving either as CEOs or on Boards of directors.
8. We would be most appreciative if the Republican Congress would grant Corporations the right to cast votes in local, county, state, and federal elections. Considering the fact that we are large entities which hold a great deal of power and financial resources, we believe the number of votes we might be allowed to cast should reflect both, the number of employees we downsize and our corporate profits. The more individuals we downsize and the greater the profit margin, the more votes an individual corporation would be able to cast. Our legal department suggests that each qualifying corporation would be allowed to contribute a minimum of one million votes; said votes to be distributed from Corporate headquarters in as many races and in as many districts as the corporation sees fit.
9. The Shaft Energy Company requests the right to appoint or buy at least one vacancy on the United States Supreme Court. Please note that we have not asked for the right to purchase elected officials, said officials having already been bought and paid for.
10. We would ask that funding be directed from the Energy Assistance Program to provide us with another tax cut. As you know, many of our Directors are struggling at a mere $20 million per year before they cheat on their taxes. We realize this might cause untold misery or even unforeseen deaths among the lower and middle classes, but our research department believes that these unfortunate individuals can still be made to serve society through our new soylent green Technology.
Thank you for your time and attention
I. M. Buckgrabber
CEO Shaft Oil Corporation
PS. Enclosed is the agreed upon kick back for your past services, paid as usual in tens, twenties, and Mad Magazines.
I. M. Buckgrabber
CEO, Shaft Oil Corporation