Thursday, July 28, 2005



From the Anal Retentive Press

by Brandon

LONDON--Christians worldwide were stunned and horrified when the Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ was tackled to the ground and shot in the head five times by British undercover agents on a double decker bus as it was ferrying a group of American and Australian tourists to various tourists sites. According to eyewitnesses, Jesus, who had been preaching his gospel of love, peace, and forgiveness to is fellow bus passengers, was singled out as a terrorist because of his light brown complexion, large nose, and full beard and mustache.

"He fit the profile which had been provided by the American CIA," said undercover agent Nigel Chuutemkwik . "He looked like a bloomin' Mid Easterner and he was acting very suspicious like." According to Chuttemkwik, the CIA profile included any and all adult males between the ages of 16 and 44. Moreover, the profile also included a list of characteristics which the Bush Administration has considered to be anomalous under certain sets of circumstances, including the idea that Christianity might actually be a religion of love, peace, and forgiveness."

"The CIA, which is currently running the British government from the inside, and our subservient MI6 have both been very clear on this," said British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "We shoot first and ask questions later. This may well mean that 90 percent of the people we kill will be wrongfully assassinated, but the deaths of innocent people are nothing when compared to my political career."

Blair's allegations that tightened security measures combined with a shoot first and ask questions later policy of law enforcement come as no surprise to the critics of Bush and Blair. Indeed, the Jesus incident follows revelations by an anonymous White House source which claimed that the Twelve Apostles, Saint Paul, and the entire Holy Family had been listed by both, the FBI and CIA as potential security risks.

"You have to admit that this is a rather strange bunch," said White House Propaganda Minister, Carl Rove. "The idea that people would actually encourage us to love, trust, and comfort one another is alien to both, Christian Right values and the amorality of this administration."

President George W. Bush agreed. "This ahhhhh Jesus guy ahhhhh doesn't sound like the guy ahhhhh who I-ah, I-ah, I-ah was taught to love." According to Bush, the individual who was shot on the London bus had to be an impostor because Bush himself decided that he had to be. "I know that he-ah he-ah he-ah had to be an IM-POSSSH-TURRRR because ah, ah ah , I said-he-was."

When asked if the incident would result in changes to the war on terror, White House Propaganda Minister and all around prevaricator Karl Rove was doubtful.

"No, I don't think so," said Rove. "Making any changes now would be an admission that my trained monkey has caused more terrorism throughout the world than he has actually prevented." Having inadvertently told the truth for a change, Rove then went on to explain why Jesus, the Twelve Apostles, and the Holy Family had been declared more dangerous than Osama Bin Laden.

"You can't run an American Empire with my trained monkey as the puppet Emperor and with yours truly as the puppet master behind the curtain if the American people believe in a just and gentle Jesus," said Rove. In Rove's opinion, A Christianity which teaches love, compassion, and forgiveness is infinitely more dangerous than militant Islam because it can't be used to generate fear and a dependency on the Bush Administration for a sense of security. "Osama is actually useful in that he can be used to manipulate the American masses," Rove noted. "Jesus and his hippy crew are more dangerous because they can actually save and heal the masses. That makes them a threat to national security."

Rove's arrogance may be short lived. According to Caring Cross Hospital in London, the lord and Savior has performed yet another miracle, a self healing, and the result may not go well for Bush and Blair.

"These guys have some big time explaining to do," said Jesus spokesperson, mary Magdalene. "The Lord thy God is giving this crowd three days to repent. If they haven't done so at the end of that time I would suggest that they both change their policies and start looking for asbestos underwear."

Jesus offered no comment. Upon release from Caring Cross, he and his entourage departed for Washington. Magdalene would not say if the Lord and Savior had or had not used an airplane..

"We have some cleaning up to do in Washington" said Magdalene. "If Karl's trained monkey wants an angry, vindictive God then I think we can give him one."


Joe Democrat said...

I'm sure Pat Robinson can talk to Jesus on Bush's behalf and clear this whole mess up.

MrWabooba said...

liberals suck. you are all a bunch of asshat traitorous morons.

Enlightenment said...

You have the nerve to cause LIBERALS morons and traitors? Your response reveals you as both. And more. Not only are you unpatriotic and moronic, you don't have a sense of humor either. Go back and read Brandon's post. It was meant as satire. The fact that you had to answer humor tells us how pathetic you really are. As for the right wing self judgement about liberals being moronic and treasonous....

1. Liberals didn't start a phony war under phony circumstances to create an American Empire--something that would have made the Founding Fathers CRINGE in horror. BUSH and his Unamerican cronies on the right did that.

2. Liberals didn't use 911 as an excuse to undermine the The Bill of Rights in an attempt to create a less representative/democratic regime here at home. Bush and his right wing cronies did that too.

3. It isn't the left which is trying to overthrow the United States Government to create a theocracy, a so called Christian Republican. That's coming from Bush and his Un-American Taliban.

4. It isn't the left which is trying to create a Christian State in South Carolina by importing born again traitors to create a Theocracy in said North Carolina.

5. Liberals aren't the ones who outed a CIA Agent for political purposes. Right wing nutcake, Carl Rove did that, thank you.

In the future, mrwaBOOBa, leave the thinking to those of us who are capable of it and stick to what you and your jack booted thugs on the right do best: lying, repressing freedom, waging war on the poor, destroying the American economy, killing innocent people through your power-grabbing wars,defending and imitating Adolf Hitler,confusing the King James Bible with Mein Kampff,becoming just as or more than dangerous than the enemies you choose to fight, and accusing innoncent others of what your yourselves are guilty.

Brandon said...

Pat Robertson is loopy but only half as loopy and no where as near as dangerous as James Dobson Focus on the Family. Not to mention all the other loons who have flocked there. As I have pointed out in past posts, Colorado Springs, Colorado has become a breeding ground for fifth column, born again fascists who think it is their duty to stamp out both, our present form of government and religious freedom so that they can recreate America in the image of modern day Iran. The religion may be different but the end result would be the same.

AS for the original post, I couldn't resist the urge to have a little fun. If we were to use the Bush Administration criteria for profiling, then Jesus, with his Mid Eastern appearance, would almost certainly be singled out as a terrorist on a bus or at an airport, or anywhere else.

As for the rest, I just couldn't resist the urge to point out that George Bush and the Radical Christian Right in general represent a branch of psuedo-Christianity that is about as Christian as a Mississippi lynching mob. They may BELIEVE they're Christians, and they may BELIEVE they're going to Heaven, but an accurate reading of the Bible reveals that they are only using the name of Jesus Christ to impose a very brutal, repressive, and Anti-Christian regime.

I myself, am a recovering Catholic. I converted to Buddhism a year ago. As a former Christian/Catholic I see no reason to support a pack of religious bigots who distort religious and political truths in the name of political and religious fascism. The Radical Chritian Right is just as dangerous as the Taliban. They may or may not resort to massive public executions, but when you look at their basic morality, it is basically the same quasi fascist drivel that the Taliban and Bin Laden were/are spewing: anti-woman, anti-gay, anti-mainstream Christian, anti-Buddhist, anti-Hindu, anti ANYthing and EVERYthing that doesn't cross every theological T and dot every theological I the way they do. The Taliban and the Radical Christian Right many not use the same word for God, but they certianly would impose similar repressions and restrictions on society, simply because their basic attitudes towards morality are the same. And before anyone pops off some loony comment about Christianity being a religion of peace, I would point out that our worst case of domestic terrorism was conducted by a right wing, dyed in the wool Christian named Timothy McVeigh. The last any of us knew McVeigh was not a Muslim, not an atheist, nor a left wing, human secularist, but rather, a right wing loon. As I have said before: If you are killed in a terrorist attack today the chances are that your murderer will NOT be a left wing human secularist, but rather a right wing religious fanatic who is only doing what God would do if God only knew what was going on down here.