Thursday, July 28, 2005
JESUS GUNNE DOWN
JESUS GUNNED DOWN BY CIA:
UNDERCOVER AGENTS PUT HIT ON LORD AND SAVIOR
From the Anal Retentive Press
LONDON--Christians worldwide were stunned and horrified when the Lord and Savior, Jesus H. Christ was tackled to the ground and shot in the head five times by British undercover agents on a double decker bus as it was ferrying a group of American and Australian tourists to various tourists sites. According to eyewitnesses, Jesus, who had been preaching his gospel of love, peace, and forgiveness to is fellow bus passengers, was singled out as a terrorist because of his light brown complexion, large nose, and full beard and mustache.
"He fit the profile which had been provided by the American CIA," said undercover agent Nigel Chuutemkwik . "He looked like a bloomin' Mid Easterner and he was acting very suspicious like." According to Chuttemkwik, the CIA profile included any and all adult males between the ages of 16 and 44. Moreover, the profile also included a list of characteristics which the Bush Administration has considered to be anomalous under certain sets of circumstances, including the idea that Christianity might actually be a religion of love, peace, and forgiveness."
"The CIA, which is currently running the British government from the inside, and our subservient MI6 have both been very clear on this," said British Prime Minister Tony Blair. "We shoot first and ask questions later. This may well mean that 90 percent of the people we kill will be wrongfully assassinated, but the deaths of innocent people are nothing when compared to my political career."
Blair's allegations that tightened security measures combined with a shoot first and ask questions later policy of law enforcement come as no surprise to the critics of Bush and Blair. Indeed, the Jesus incident follows revelations by an anonymous White House source which claimed that the Twelve Apostles, Saint Paul, and the entire Holy Family had been listed by both, the FBI and CIA as potential security risks.
"You have to admit that this is a rather strange bunch," said White House Propaganda Minister, Carl Rove. "The idea that people would actually encourage us to love, trust, and comfort one another is alien to both, Christian Right values and the amorality of this administration."
President George W. Bush agreed. "This ahhhhh Jesus guy ahhhhh doesn't sound like the guy ahhhhh who I-ah, I-ah, I-ah was taught to love." According to Bush, the individual who was shot on the London bus had to be an impostor because Bush himself decided that he had to be. "I know that he-ah he-ah he-ah had to be an IM-POSSSH-TURRRR because ah, ah ah , I said-he-was."
When asked if the incident would result in changes to the war on terror, White House Propaganda Minister and all around prevaricator Karl Rove was doubtful.
"No, I don't think so," said Rove. "Making any changes now would be an admission that my trained monkey has caused more terrorism throughout the world than he has actually prevented." Having inadvertently told the truth for a change, Rove then went on to explain why Jesus, the Twelve Apostles, and the Holy Family had been declared more dangerous than Osama Bin Laden.
"You can't run an American Empire with my trained monkey as the puppet Emperor and with yours truly as the puppet master behind the curtain if the American people believe in a just and gentle Jesus," said Rove. In Rove's opinion, A Christianity which teaches love, compassion, and forgiveness is infinitely more dangerous than militant Islam because it can't be used to generate fear and a dependency on the Bush Administration for a sense of security. "Osama is actually useful in that he can be used to manipulate the American masses," Rove noted. "Jesus and his hippy crew are more dangerous because they can actually save and heal the masses. That makes them a threat to national security."
Rove's arrogance may be short lived. According to Caring Cross Hospital in London, the lord and Savior has performed yet another miracle, a self healing, and the result may not go well for Bush and Blair.
"These guys have some big time explaining to do," said Jesus spokesperson, mary Magdalene. "The Lord thy God is giving this crowd three days to repent. If they haven't done so at the end of that time I would suggest that they both change their policies and start looking for asbestos underwear."
Jesus offered no comment. Upon release from Caring Cross, he and his entourage departed for Washington. Magdalene would not say if the Lord and Savior had or had not used an airplane..
"We have some cleaning up to do in Washington" said Magdalene. "If Karl's trained monkey wants an angry, vindictive God then I think we can give him one."