(ETs. Alien abductions. The kind of stuff which exists only in the realms of nightmares and science-fiction. From time to time though, UFO (short for Unidentified Flying Objects) sightings have been reported from all corners of the globe, appearing in numerous places to numerous people in all shapes and sizes: From the usual disc shapes to the odd cigar-looking ones, and the more common flying saucers (the saucer-shaped UFOs are the most numerous when it comes to fake UFO photos, usually appearing on still photos with the Frisbee flung from a unsighted place in a city or town background setting) their images have often been caught on camera by both amateur and professional photographers alike. Humanoid creatures, or aliens, have also been sighted too, ranging from the tallest being 6 feet in height, to humanoids of 4 feet or less. Most of them have prettier peculiar facial shapes and disproportional features, the most famous being the little alien in the movie, ET.
Stranger and scarier still, are reports of alien abductions. Alleged victims of such extra-terrestrial schemes often involve the liberal use of experimental devices, which kind of reduces the subjects to the role of the lab rat or guinea pig. Such unusual experiments often induce injuries, the common ones being burns and severe pain of the genital area. In rare cases, symptoms of radiation sickness appear on subjects after the trauma . In certain unique cases, however, subjects are chosen for entirely different purposes. Stories of sexual contact between human subjects and these intruders from beyond are not all that unheard of, which really does bring up the question of whether these space travellers really regard Earth as a great tourist attraction when it comes to cheap sex….
Regardless whether alien visitations and abductions are real or fabricated, the fact remains that aliens remain very real creatures, abet in a more commercial variety, in Hollywood and other entertainment industries. From extraterrestrial movies to Roswell T-shirts, the UFO legend has an undoubted commercial value.
Whatever the implications and reasons behind such alleged paranormal activities, there is but one guy I would gladly recommend to our ET friends, if they do exist, so that they could indeed mete out some of their “hospitality” trademark. I will personally nominate a certain American President (Hint: He was christened as son-of-a-Bush) for our foreign visitors. This President is responsible for many atrocities, ranging from staging an illegal war on the pretext of terrorism and WMDs, to betraying the identities of secret CIA agents and subsequently denying responsibility. It will be interesting if these foreign “invaders” can actually hold him hostage and torture him, not unlike what the American soldiers, who meted out democratic-style tortures on the Iraqi prisoners in Abu Gharib prison. I mean, if anyone has the ability to question the motives of an American President and judge an American President, it must be the average ET. With supposedly superior stealth technology (Flying saucers have a stunning ability to appear and disappear in an instant) and a affable character to boot, surely the ET is the best neutral candidate to give an unbiased decision on an American President, right?
The Story: While eating his favourite snack pretzels, the President of America chokes on what seems to be a harmless delicacy enjoyed by millions of people all over the world. Fortunately for the President, his Special Service Agents, assigned on a 24-hr basis to ensure his safety, manages to perform the necessary first aid procedure on him, and in no time at all he is lying in a hospital bed in a posh private hospital, bruised and battered, but otherwise still alive.
While lying on his hospital bed, the aliens, who have been watching his rescue from the deep bowels of space via superior technology, seizes the chance to abduct him while he is in deep slumber., by zapping him into the cabin of a mysterious UFO, a-la Star Trek style (Read: Beam me up, Scotty). The president’s security personnel are miraculously hypnotized to sleep, and with no help available, the President’s life rests in the hands of his unearthly captors.
Scene: The President slowly awakens, only to find himself in a unfamiliar environment. Bright lights laminates the entire strange room, momentarily blinding the President.)
President: Jesus Christ! Where the hell am I?
(Half-dazed by the light and the reawakening, The President gropes about for some kind of switch to turn off the offending light source, and realises that he is strapped into the hospital bed by some strange, eerie-looking energy chain.) My God! Is this some kind of sick, sadistic joke? (Looks around desperately) Help! Guards! I have been kidnapped! Help!
(Immediately, the lights go off, and the whole room is plunged into darkness. The sudden alteration from bright light to complete darkness completely disorients the President, who goes into a fit of rage)
President: This is outrageous! I demand to meet my captors! In the name of God, come out now! You cowards! You will pay a price for your insolence!
(Just then, the door opens. The President instinctively closes his eyes, in anticipation for another surge of light. Instead, the whole room illuminates into a soft, yellowish light. The President slowly opens his eyes, only to see a E.T-like creature standing before him. Large green eyes, small mouth, a oval-shaped head and a grotesquely small sized body of less than 4 feet; classic look of a E.T)
President (Shocked, stunned): Holy mother of God, what abomination is this?
E.T (Smiles): Good evening, Mr President of the United States of America. On behalf of my crew on this ship, I extend my welcome to you.
President (Angrily): Damn you, freak, trying to masquerade as an alien to make a mockery out of me, tell me, what are your motives? Money? Or are you just one of those stupid terrorists out there seeking revenge on me? Let me out of here, you bloody imbecile!
E.T (Laughs): I understand your anger, fear and frustrations. Calm down, Sir. Look around you, the cabin, or rather, the window ports of the cabin (the UFO was hovering above Earth, which was plain to see through a glass portal of the UFO cabin). Notice the energy chains that bind you. Do you think such technology exists on Earth, that can really kidnap a heavily guarded American President and abduct him right up to space? Those energy chains, I do not perceive that your scientists have the tools nor the knowledge to come up with something even remotely close to this.
President: Aliens are but fabrications of Man’s imagination! Aliens certainly do not exist! (Stops, then exclaims) I know….You must be the Devil! What are your intentions, oh Evil One?!
E.T (Laughs again): Man and his fables. Truly, homo sapiens are incorrigible.
President: What mean you, fables? Do you not admit that you, the king of Demons, exist? Do you not blaspheme against your Creator?
E.T (Shakes his head, smile): No, Mr President. As I have reiterated, I am neither a demon, nor a God. Let me give you a brief introduction about myself. My name is ET. I am but a mere celestial traveller, and a very well-travelled veteran of the cosmos. My home planet is located in a galaxy approximately 100 million light years away from Milky Way, which is your solar system, in case you do not know. Our civilisation is far more advanced than yours, as you have already witnessed. I have been sent by my leaders to be an observer to your planet, and for the past 100 yrs I have been a personal witness to many of your planet’s greatest triumphs, and with it the tragedies. From time to time, we abduct world leaders to my humble spacecraft for a nice little get-together, you know, so that we can understand your species better.
President (Interrupts): Before you continue with this nonsense, release me from this strange bondage of yours. Or simply just slit my throat and let me die, Lucifer!
E.T (Fed up): Only if you are compliant, Mr President, will I release you. Understand this, that you are no match for me. Like it or not, you play by my rules. Your Secret Services have been immobilised by my crew. Your military forces are no match for my spaceship either. Realise this, Mr President, that our civilization far exceeds even your wildest imaginations.
President (Silent for a moment, then retorts): Ok, I promise you. I shall keep my mouth shut. Now just release me from my bonds!
(At this point, the energy chain is de-activated: In its place is a ring of energy beam, which encircles the hospital bed.)
The President immediately jumps out of the hospital bed and makes a mad dash towards ET, only to be electrocuted by a circular energy beam, which quickly surrounds and imprisons him. The President is momentarily stunned, but otherwise unharmed.)
President: (Screams in pain) Ah!!!
E.T (Laughs hysterically): I warned you, Mr President, but you didn’t listen.
President: Let me go, you demon child!
E.T: Halt all hostilities, Mr President, lest you suffer unnecessarily for your futile struggles. I have no wish to harm you. I would like to ask you some questions, which I expect you to answer me with utmost honesty. Do not even harbour any thoughts of lying, for I have ways and means to find out the authenticity of your words.
President: And so you will release me after all these nonsense is over, will you?
E.T: Only after we have conducted certain experiments on you, and collect DNA samples from your body. You must not resist when my men carry out the tests later on, as these tests can be a little uncomfortable and degrading, but rest assured that you will not feel any pain whatsoever, so long as you do not struggle that is. If you happen to resist my men, you may get hurt unnecessarily. Do you understand me, Mr President?
President (Sulking now): I don’t have a choice, do I, Mr E.T?
E.T (Smiles): Yes you have. Like your Gods, I love your religious concept of free will. Either you comply with us, or be tortured to death. That is my freewill to you, which is your equivalent of heaven and hell. Make do with it, Mr President.
President (Irritated): Then get on with it. But let me assure you, demon, or whatever you are, you will pay heavily for your deeds today. I swear I will personally lead my army to hunt you down, right to the ends of the Earth, if I have to.
E.T (Smiles wickedly): Ah, but look around you. We are nowhere near planet Earth now. (Points to the portal window) Look! This is Planet Saturn at its most striking pose. Aren’t the gas rings around this gigantic planet beautiful? What a sight to behold! Truly, Milky Way is a wondrous galaxy!
President: Ok, E.T, spare me your taunts. Ask your questions, and set me free!
E.T: That’s better. Now, just to get things going, can you give me a brief description of yourself, and your family?
President (Laughs): And I thought you are supposed to be so god-damned smart, with all your gizmos and technological advancements. Surely you will have my personal profiles, eh?
E.T: I must apologize for this. Well, you see, we have your information alright, but this is standard protocol, Mr President. Your answers to what has already been made known to us will enable me to provide my superiors with a accurate psychological evaluation of you.
President: Alright, then if you must. I was born in 1946, in New Haven Connecticut, to the 41st President of America. Grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas with 4 siblings. You will probably have known by now, that I had a younger sister who died of leukaemia.
E.T: Yes I do. A trifle too young, to die at the age of three.
President: Indeed, losing a close sibling was a terrible pain.
E.T: Well, let’s skip the sad part, shall we? Tell us a little about your education background, Mr President.
President (irritated): Do I have to spell everything out, Mr Know-It-All Alien crap?
E.T (Calmly): Just answer my questions accordingly, and quit your insults. It will save you a world of hurt. You know now what we can do. So just cooperate with me, Mr President.
President (Sulks): Alright, then. I did my early years at Phillips Academy for three years, from 1961 to 1964, after which I moved on to Yale University, where I graduated with a degree in history in 1968.
E.T: So how well did you fare, Mr President? Excellent results, I suppose?
President (Shrugs): Well enough to earn me a position with the National Air Guard.
E.T (Laughs): Really, Mr President. But my records tells me you were merely an average student, with a “C” grade at that. Now that doesn’t sound like a result one should crow about, eh?
President (Annoyed): Perhaps so, but I wasn’t merely a bookworm, Mr E.T. I was a good, all-round student, and I have always excelled in sports, particularly Football.
E.T: I would have to agree with the sports thing. However, given your academic results, I shall venture to deduce that, without the influence of your father, you would have been nothing more than a white collar man struggling to irk out a living in Texas.
President (Annoyed): This is pure conjuncture on your part. If I wasn’t good enough, I wouldn’t have been capable of making it to the Texas National Air Guard. Can you truly comprehend how difficult it is to make it to the National Air Guard. Do you? No you don’t. Because you are the Devil, damn it!
E.T (Laughs): The National Air Guard, eh? Well, well, forgive me for being blunt here, but I don’t think you are a very bright homo sapien.
President (Angrily): If I wasn’t very bright, I wouldn’t have made in to the National Air Guard, let alone a President, moron! How many times must I repeat this to you?
E.T: Your father, he was a Senator at the time you enlisted into the National Guard, was he?
President: Yes he was.
E.T: Without your father’s influence, I doubt you would actually have made it into the National Air Guard. Especially when we are talking about the thousands that applied during the 1960s and early 1970s, and you should jolly well know why the unit was so popular, Mr President. The National Air Guard stood very little chance of being called up for a tour of duty in Vietnam. And so your father, being a influential figure, decided to intercede on your behalf. You pulled some strings to get yourself drafted into the Texas Air Guard, didn’t you Mr President?
President (Clearly irritated): And you actually believed in the media hogwash?
E.T: You mean to say, you got in on your own merits?
President: Definitely! Not every Tom, Dick and Harry can get into the coveted unit, damn it!
E.T: Then explain the fact that, while in service with the National Air Guard, you hardly ever attended drills, nor was there any records of your flight log. Your attendance in the Air Guard was appalling, to say the least. I don’t think you want me to go into the specifics here, Mr President.
President: There are tons of paperwork pertaining to my service with the Air Guard. I have released them to the public. I have nothing to hide with regards to the issue.
E.T: Allow me to go through the specifics, if you must, then.
President: Go on.
E.T: Well, then, so be it. Let us begin from the very first day you attempted to gain entry into the National Air Guard. Back then, in May 1968, you were but mere days away from losing your student draft deferment, which granted yourself immunity against any draft into the army. Fearing a draft into the army, you had seek the assistance of oil magnate and close family friend, Sid Agner, to intercede on your behalf. From then on, the word was passed on, first to Texas Speaker of the House, Ben Barnes, and he in turn contacted General James Rose, Head of the Texas National Air Guard to draft you in. That’s quite a lot of strings you pulled back then, Mr President.
President: I wasn’t the only guy who requested to get into the Air Guard, damn it! Thousands did too, and many of them had their own personal connections, you know that!
E.T: But they didn’t rally as many high-level politicians as you did, and worst of all, you actually got in on the first day you enlisted! “Hell with the waiting list. I am the Son-of-Bush, so let me in!”, eh? Your Unit Commander, Col. "Buck" Staudt, was so delighted with your enlistment, that he actually arranged a special arrangement for the press during your swearing-in ceremony. A nice little ceremony here, a little favour done there……..privileges fit only for rich, spoilt brats. Will you deny them all, Mr President?
President (Looks lost): Well…….I…….
E.T (Interrupts): At a time when Americans are suffering casualties of approximately 350 a day at the hands of the Vietcong insurgents, you have every reason to fear the draft, and such a fear is perfectly understandable. But you could have done it fairly, and honestly, without jumping the queue. At the very least, you should have cut off all the media show circus, which really was a kick in the teeth for those who were not born to a family as privileged as yours. Now, tell me, what kind of mortal are you? A self-centred, egoistic fool who cares less for the sufferings of others, even at the expense of your own countrymen?
President (Seething with anger): Now you stop condemning me, you moronic little freak! If you were in my shoes, you would have done exactly the same thing!
E.T (Laughs): Perhaps so, but I wouldn’t have done it in the way you did, and then brag to the world that you have carried out your duties in your military, something which you clearly didn’t.
President: Alright, so I pulled some strings, big deal, I served my time. If I didn’t carry out my duties, I wouldn’t have been promoted twice, once to the officer rank of 2nd lieutenant, and subsequently to the rank of lieutenant. I did what I have to do. That’s all I want to say to you, little guy.
E.T (Smiles): If you insist on your little diatribes against my tiny stature, I assure you, Mr President, that you will feel a lot more pain than what you have gone through earlier. (Pauses) Allow me to continue. Your first promotion, which you received after you had completed Basic Military Training, was granted, not earned. Without having to undergo a reasonably rigorous Officer Cadet Course in Officer Cadet School, you were directly appointed as a 2nd Lieutenant upon completion of Basic Military Training. Doesn’t that strike you as a bit odd? A case of noble birth rights in a secular, democratic America?
President: I had excellent credentials, that is why.
E.T (Coy smile): Excellent credentials? (Laughs loudly)
President (Angered): You………!!!
E.T: At the time of your appointment of officer, were you trained as a professional in medical, engineering or other specific fields that the military would have sort after in earnest?
President: Well……..I was a Yale graduate, damn it!
E.T: And a C-grade student at that. By your reasoning you would have been somewhere at the bottom of the list.
President (Annoyed): Oh really? Then why in god’s name was I selected then?
E.T: You jolly well knew the reason why, Mr President. Under standard U.S military protocol during the 1960s, only doctors and personnel with specific qualifications in much-needed vocations were directly appointed as officers without going through officer cadet course, to meet the demanding roles in the Vietnam theatre of operations. You obviously didn’t fit the bill. You got your officer’s rank on account of your father’s influence, and nothing else.
President (Utter loss of words): Erm……..
E.T: As I have concluded earlier, you are not a very bright human, and the statistics do back me up here. Besides your obvious lack of professional training which renders you unqualified for automatic promotion at officer, you were barely qualified for eligibility as a National Air Guard pilot, much less worthy of automatic enlistment as a enlistee. The results of your pilot aptitude test at flight school speaks for itself, Mr President. 25 out of 100.……. pathetic, to say the least, and 50% for the navigator aptitude test. Now, Mr President, what would you have to say in your own defence?
President: I did score a 95% for the officer quality test!
E.T: That test was a sham, really. The average score for officers was about 88%. It’s nothing to crow about, you know that.
President: But I did pass with flying colours, which means I was well qualified to be an Air Guard officer.
Alien (Laughs loudly): Ah……..finally, you do have something to be proud of. But again, having said that, your qualifications as an Air Guard pilot are really appalling.
President (Impatient): All right, all right, I was a bad student, I pulled strings, I scored terrible scores……..but big deal! I did my time, I fulfilled my duty to the nation, and that is what matters now. The past is the past. The Vietnam War is all but over.
E.T: Very easy for you to say, for someone who has never stood in the line of fire. It would all be forgiven, if you admitted outright to the press, that yes, you did pull some strings, you didn’t meet the number of drills required of you, and you did go AWOL whilst you were supposed to be on duty with the Air Guard. You didn’t come clean with the truth, and that’s why it doesn’t go away, Mr President. Your lies stick with you, Mr President. It doesn’t go away.
President (Angrily): Nonsense! As I have mentioned earlier, I have authorized the release of all the records of my tenure with the Air Guard to the press! It is there for all to see.
E.T: Indeed, you have, and us from the extra-terrestrial community have taken notice, and made some observations.
President: And what would that be, Mr E.T?
E.T: Well, let me see…….shall we start first with the unit you were posted to?
President (Shrugs, frowns like a chimp): Oh well, sure.
E.T: Well, then, let us focus with your appalling attendance record. 8 months after you have officially enlisted into the Air Guard, you were granted 2 whole months off to assist Edward Gurney in his Senatorial race. Not only that, for two consecutive years, 1971 and 1972, you did the same thing, first to assist your father, and then to Alabama, to cement your political path. That is akin to 6 months off active duty.
President: I have all along aspired to be a leader. At that point of time, if not for the Vietnam war and the draft, I would have worked my way up the political ladder. That was the reason why I requested for leave.
E.T: So you will sacrifice duty to your nation for your political career?
President: I only did that because my role as an aviator in the Air Guard was of little significance to the security of the nation.
E.T (Laughs): Very true, I totally agree with that assessment. After all, the unit you were in, the 147th Interceptor Fighter Group, was labelled a “champagne unit”. This unit, at that point of time, was flying F-102 fighters, which were in the process of being phased out of the military. Numerous rich men’s sons belonged to that unit. It was the perfect place for anyone who had money and aspired to escape the draft.
President (Shrugs): No matter. I applied for leave, and it was approved.
E.T: Perhaps you can be forgiven for this, after all, you did apply for leave. However, your misdemeanour doesn’t end here. In 1972, you applied for leave due to your political commitments in Alabama. And at the same time you applied to be posted to the 9921st Air Reserve Squadron, based in Montgomery, Alabama. Now, this unit, at that point of time, was as near to a defunct unit as it gets. No planes, only a handful of pilots who met once a fortnight to discuss on general, useless matters such as first aid. Now, as a active member of the Air Guard, why would you want to post yourself to the 9921st?
President: I needed to concentrate on my political career. It was the best deal, both for me as well as the Air Guard.
E.T (rather dryly): And, as always, your interests come first, before your nation.
President: I felt I could serve the America, and Americans, better as a politician, than as an airman.
E.T: But you do understand this, that by signing on as a Air Guard guardsman, you are obliged to fulfil your duty as a pilot, don’t you?
President: Of course. But as an air guardsman, I am also entitled to a full time job.
E.T: Yes, and you wanted to be posted to a de-activated base with no airplanes. A great choice for an “aspiring airman”, which you claim yourself to be, when you first signed up. Let me see, you wrote in your "statement of intent" that flying would be "a lifetime pursuit”. Clearly it was a lie, was it not?
President: No, I have always aspired to be an airman.
E.T: Then you ought not to have any problems with completing your obligation, Mr President.
President: I had a tough time juggling both jobs, damn it!
E.T: An excuse, and a terrible one. Other pilots in the Air Guard have had civilian jobs too, yet they have completed their military obligations. It is quite obvious that you simply lost interest. You signed up with the Texas Air Guard, knowing that you will be bonded to the unit for 6 years and complete the necessary number of drills. You wanted to get out of the business of flying, because you never loved to fly anyway, contrary to what you claim.
President (Seething with anger): Now that’s a outrageous lie, and you know it!
E.T (Continues): The truth is, you applied for a transfer to the almost-defunct 9921st Squadron, but your application for transfer was apparently turned down by the higher-ups after having been initially approved. It was a justifiable move by the Air Guard, since it took an average of one million dollars at that time to train a pilot such as yourself at that point of time. To train a pilot and then post him into a flightless base, isn’t that an irony, Mr President? Clearly you understand that you were bonded with the government for 6 yrs, starting from your enlistment in 1968 up to 1974. And then from May 1972 to May 1973, you didn’t even bother to show up in the unit at all. No records exist to show that you turned up for drills of any kind conducted either by the Texas Air Guard, nor the 9921st. And you missed the medical examinations, which would have re-asserted your status as a full-fledged pilot. Now how is this for “duty for the nation”? Where did you go? What were you up to, during this stretch of time?
President: I was too busy, that’s why.
E.T: Too busy to turn up for drills, without informing your unit? Now isn’t this the military equivalent of AWOL? And the medical check-ups, surely an “aspiring airman”, as you deemed yourself to be, will never go AWOL and skip the mandatory medical check-ups as you had done. Was it something you were hiding from the military? Like………..substance abuse???
President (Perplexed): What???
E.T: Come on, you always had a terrible reputation of being a party animal. And you admitted it yourself to the press that you did had an alcohol problem, didn’t you?
President: So I did. But that was all in the past now. To err is human. I have repented, and have mended my ways ever since I became a born-again Christian. Anyway, what does this have to do with my national guard commitment?
E.T: You can be re-born as many times as you want, but that is beside the point. You were also a cocaine user, Mr President. You had admitted that yourself to the press. And it was in that year, 1972, April to be exact, that the military initiated tests on pilots for drug substances, which included urinalysis, questions about drugs and a close examination of the nasal cavities for traces of cocaine abuses. You knew you were guilty, so you probably would want to give the medical check-ups a miss. But you chose not to explain yourself, for fear of criminal persecution.
President: That’s not true! I wasn’t using cocaine during this period of time!
E.T: Well, then, explain your absence from drills for the entire year, from May 1972 to May 1973, then.
President (Totally pissed off, fed up now): Cut straight to the point, Mr E.T! You ask questions, most of which you already have answers to them by now. And your interrogations are too degrading for my liking. Why this crap interrogation, ET? Have I no rights here?
E.T (Smiles, wickedly): Rights? What kind of rights? Surely, you are not hinting at the Geneva Conventions, are you?
President (Screaming): Am I supposed to be a prisoner-of-war here? Even if that be so, I should be entitled to my rights! Now let me out!
E.T: You talk about the Geneva, only when it suits your own ends and means. What about those that have been imprisoned in Guantanamo Naval Base? Or those Iraqi prisoners humiliated and tortured in the Abu Ghraib Prison? Are they not entitled to the rights of the Geneva Conventions? When you blatantly allowed the media to broadcast images of Uday and Kusays’ bodies worldwide, have you ever, for a second, considered the terms and conditions that the Geneva Convention entails?
President: These bastards, they deserved to be imprisoned. Those at Guantanamo Naval Base, we have to imprison them, they are terrorists, not enemy soldiers. Terrorists are not covered by the Geneva Convention. These barbarians, mostly from the Talibans and remnants of Al-Qaeda do not deserve these rights.
E.T: Oh? So how would you classify terrorists from standard enemy soldiers?
President: Enemy soldiers fight in the uniforms of their countries.
E.T: Are you actually telling me, that soldiers who fight in civilian clothes for a enemy nation against your nation are automatically deemed terrorists?
President: Of course not. It depends on the nature of our enemies.
E.T (Conciliatory tone): Really?
President (Smugly): Well, I can explain it to you, if only you will halt this interrogatory tone of yours.
E.T (Smiles): Pray, please, do tell.
President: Now, we all know that the Osama bin Laden was hiding in Afghanistan, and the Talibans; they ruled the land, and they refused to yield him to American custody. So we had no choice. The Talibans were harbouring Osama and his al-Qaeda terrorist network. Osama was the prime instigator in the 911 terror attacks, plus a series of other coordinated attacks against American interests overseas. And so we invaded, and in the process we have detained many prisoners-of-war. The truth though, was that we had no way of differentiating the Talibans, from the al-Qaeda members.
E.T: So you would classify the Taliban as enemy soldiers, and the al-Qaeda members, terrorists?
President: Bingo.
E.T: But since both sides do not wear uniforms, I have to suppose it would be an extremely difficult and uphill task to actually identify them as either belonging to one group or the other, since affiliation to either group is so loose that one can be a Al-Qaeda member and a Taliban both at the same time. And with so many prisoners-of-war being detained by the American military juggernaut, there really was no way to identify them all. Would I be right to say that, Mr President?
President: I wouldn’t deem it impossible, but I would say, it is one hell of a job. My CIA and FBI boys have been interrogating them on a consistent basis since the first prisoners were captured in Afghanistan. But progress has been slow, and I decided to issue a Presidential decree to transfer all of them to Guantanamo Naval Base for temporary detention.
E.T: Which means to say, that as long as their status is not proven, they will be deemed guilty of being a member of a terrorist network. Am I correct to say that?
President: Well, not in that sense. It is just that, we need to be certain that these people pose no security threat to America. We do not want a repeat of the 911 incident.
E.T: So, in the interest of perceived national security, you will deny the rights of P-O-Ws, deny them the rights as accorded to them by the Geneva Convention, by removing their P-O-W statuses altogether by deeming them to be terrorists. Is my interpretation correct?
President (In his Texas cowboy accent): Well, if this is what it takes to take down the enemies to their knees then this is how it shall be. We shall take them all down, dead or alive.
E.T (Shakes head sadly): This cavalier, cowboy attitude of yours is most disturbing. You certainly display all the symptoms of a “dry-drunk”. Not drunk on alcohol, but yet without a sense of sobriety at all. I truly wonder why Americans vote you in the first place. You are truly pathetic.
President (Sulking): Your opinions are not shared by the general American public. So let me go, you idiotic moron!
E.T (Disgusted): Well, I am finished with you, Mr President. I would like to carry on with this interrogation, but it will be merely a waste of my time. This session merely reinforces my disrespect for you. You are a lousy, dumb, conniving and incompetent president, who loves to bully others for the sake of your own gains. We from the extra-terrestrial community loathe you, Mr President, and today we shall extend our own brand of justice to you. I have to remind you here, that since we are aliens, we are not subjected to the jurisdiction of the Geneva Convention, nor any other jurisdiction of your species. Just as you have denied your captives to the rights of the Geneva Convention, we shall be extending this courtesy to you. We are free to carry out experiments on you whenever and however we see fit. In a few moments, my crew shall arrive to carry out a series of tests on you, as I have informed you earlier. I must warn you again, that any resistance from you is futile, and I sincerely advise you to cooperate, if you wish to return home in one piece. Do understand however, that my conversation with you has been recorded, and the experiments carried out on you shall also be recorded and previewed by my people on my home planet. I understand that the Geneva Convention does not allow images of POWs to be shown to the masses, but just to let you understand how it feels to be a POW without basic human rights, we shall have to return you the favour. (Smiles wickedly) Do you understand so far?
President: Damn you! You stupid demon! How dare you treat the American President this way! (Closes his eyes, bows and drops to his knees): Dear Lord in Heaven, deliver me from evil………..
E.T (Laughs loudly): Pray all you must! Your Gods can’t help you, any more than your secret service agents. Crew, do your job!
(The door opens. A group of 4 a similar-looking aliens moves in and walks towards Bush. The energy beams are deactivated, and Bush attempts to lay hands on them. As before, he has not come to the realisation that he simply cannot harm his captors, due to the superior technology of his captors. He is immobilized and frozen before he even comes close to the 4 aliens, and then falls onto the floor , stiff and frozen like a frozen piece of pork in an abattoir.
The 4 crews then proceeds to lift him to the hospital bed. Putting their psychic powers to good use, the President is telepathically lifted up and placed onto the hospital bed, all in one swift motion.
Upon settling the President down on the hospital bed, the aliens immediately proceed to strip him naked. One of the aliens draws what appears to be a slick, shiny metal rod out of nowhere, and proceeds to insert the offending rod up the President’s….………….anus. As the President had earlier put up some resistance against the little aliens, he was not granted the benefits of a partial anaesthesia. The President is thus very much in pain, as he feels every sting of the pain as the silver rod proceeds through his anus, then upwards to his intestinal tracts. He tries to scream, but is still immobilised by the very powerful aliens. His movement curtailed, the President braces himself for more horrors to come.
The aliens pulls out a turf of hair, raw from his scalp. They then proceed to examine his private parts, roughly, apparently to ensure that the President feels the full extent of the pain. After the full body examination was over, blood, semen and other bodily fluids are extracted by the aliens. The President is awake throughout the process, reduced to nothing more than a sad, abused puppy.
It is a very humiliating, violent and terrible ordeal for the President. In his mind, he swears that he will destroy these bloody infidels, if he ever lays his hands on them.
E.T then proceeds back to Earth, re-mobilises the President and sends his back to hospital. The Secret Service Agents are released from their hypnotic sleep, their memories altered to compensate the lost time frame. The President wakes up, and instinctively screams for his security agents. The secret agents rushes to his aid, only to hear the President blabbering about aliens and abduction. The agents pacifies him, telling him it was all a bad dream.
A bad dream, it was not. The President’s ass hurts like hell.. And hopefully it stays that way, for a long, long time.)
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