Friday, July 07, 2006
My fellow Americans,
As some anti-American members of the elitist liberal media have recently pointed out, America's standing in the world has declined. The rest of the world has repeatedly sided with terrorists, and in fact many countries now either harbor terrorists or have ties with those who do. Our former 'allies' in Iraq have abandoned us in droves, and in fact many of them no longer support our mission, meaning they are siding with the terrorists.
Even while nations like Iran and North Korea develop weapons of mass destruction, the rest of the world supports this by doing nothing about it and preventing us from taking necessary action. And they are supported by an active fifth column within the United States. We cannot trust any of these other countries, which I have reliable intelligence that indicates they have recently been meeting in Germany while plotting strategy, developing offensive maneuvers, practicing shootouts, and determining a new heirarchy in the world, a heirarchy in which it was determined early on that America would rank at the bottom of, with the final choice coming down to a contest between France and Italy on Sunday (the day obviously chosen because most Americans will be in church and not be paying any attention). These are two nations from the 'Old Europe,' who traditionally have only been good for cuisine, surrender, insulting American tourists and vacations on the Riviera, but our intelligence shows that they both have special teams of operatives who will determine on Sunday which of them will become the head honcho in the world.
In times like this, pre-emptive war becomes not only necessary, but the only choice to prevent aggression from the rest of the world.
Therefore, I am announcing today that we have begun a pre-emptive action to conquer the world. Once the rest of the world is safely under our control and protection, we will usher in a new era of peace, the people will welcome us as liberators, and will sign up to join the Republican party in droves. The first big victory in this new war has already been won, as special forces teams have secured the United Nations building in New York City, encountering only sporadic resistance, which was quickly defeated following a surgical airstrike against the Cuban offices on the fourteenth floor.
Posted by Eli Blake at Friday, July 07, 2006