Friday, July 07, 2006

Presidential Speech



My fellow Americans,

As some anti-American members of the elitist liberal media have recently pointed out, America's standing in the world has declined. The rest of the world has repeatedly sided with terrorists, and in fact many countries now either harbor terrorists or have ties with those who do. Our former 'allies' in Iraq have abandoned us in droves, and in fact many of them no longer support our mission, meaning they are siding with the terrorists.

Even while nations like Iran and North Korea develop weapons of mass destruction, the rest of the world supports this by doing nothing about it and preventing us from taking necessary action. And they are supported by an active fifth column within the United States. We cannot trust any of these other countries, which I have reliable intelligence that indicates they have recently been meeting in Germany while plotting strategy, developing offensive maneuvers, practicing shootouts, and determining a new heirarchy in the world, a heirarchy in which it was determined early on that America would rank at the bottom of, with the final choice coming down to a contest between France and Italy on Sunday (the day obviously chosen because most Americans will be in church and not be paying any attention). These are two nations from the 'Old Europe,' who traditionally have only been good for cuisine, surrender, insulting American tourists and vacations on the Riviera, but our intelligence shows that they both have special teams of operatives who will determine on Sunday which of them will become the head honcho in the world.

In times like this, pre-emptive war becomes not only necessary, but the only choice to prevent aggression from the rest of the world.

Therefore, I am announcing today that we have begun a pre-emptive action to conquer the world. Once the rest of the world is safely under our control and protection, we will usher in a new era of peace, the people will welcome us as liberators, and will sign up to join the Republican party in droves. The first big victory in this new war has already been won, as special forces teams have secured the United Nations building in New York City, encountering only sporadic resistance, which was quickly defeated following a surgical airstrike against the Cuban offices on the fourteenth floor.

7 comments:

Advocate1 said...

NOW THAT'S DAMNED GOOD! This is the kind of material that WE like to write! Well done in every way!

And so true!

Fernando Caballero said...

Well, Well What do We Have Here...

I am not a reporter of any kind but it took me less than a few minutes of "elbow grease" to find the dreaded WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction). I seemed to have "out-scooped" the entire Democratic Party, New York Times, Los Angeles Times and several other liberal biased reporting outlets out there. Of course I had help, Powerline Blog pointed me to a website operated by the DoD (Department of Defense) by called "Foreign Military Studies Office Joint Reserve Intelligence Center" (http://70.168.46.200/default.aspx). This location contains a treasure trove of document summaries of translated Iraqi documents created during the Saddam reign of terror. The website has the following paragragh as it's purpose for existence:

At the request of the Office of the Director of National Intelligence, the US Army Foreign Military Studies Office has created this portal to provide the general public with access to unclassified documents and media captured during Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Of the many documents present I would want to direct the gentle reader to one summary in particular released recently. This pdf document labeled with the cryptic number of CMPC-2003-00011084-HT-DHM2A.pdf

This document was written in 1999 and it outlines the process by which the "Director of the Criminal Department, Na`man `Ali Muhammad" would hide "non-conventional
weapons and other chemical agents" from "the International Inspection Committee" and thereby hiding them from not only the United Nations but 100 % of the Democrats in this country. Please read the letter:

He added that the following procedures were implemented on the fifth month of this year [TC: May 1999] in order to prevent disclosure of the locations:

1- Relocate all IIS "I[raqi] I[ntelligence] S[ervice]" documents
2- Relocate all IIS chemical materials and equipment
3- Designate a group of employees from the Ministry of Health to replace the IIS employees
4- Relocate some of the officers and employees, whose job descriptions are not compatible with the Ministry of Health to Al-Rashidiah, and implement other appropriate concealment procedures. [TC: no further information].

He continues to state that present situation of the Directorate could be extended for an unspecified period of time. This situation could frequently reoccur, which has a direct negative impact on the performance and duties of the Directorate, with regards to providing essential levels of security. Consequently, the location of the site could be discovered. In addition the Ministry of Health may not be able to afford releasing its employees for a long period of time. Also, the presence of the Ministry of Health employees, and their integration with our employees, is a security breach. The close location of the directorate to other public locations, such as Al-Thaurah and Hay Al- Sinak, makes it a non-secure location. He added that the location is within the range of the enemy’s coordinates, and that special attention should be given to the collaborators who are present within these areas. The following alternate locations were suggested:

1- The Technical Research Center located on Palestine Street (previous Olympic
Committee), since part of its Criminology Research Department was transferred to the Criminology Department.

2- Scientific Research Center, since it contains some laboratories that can be used for the work of the Criminology Department.

Now if I could look up Palestine Street (previous Olympic Committee) in Mapquest...

Eli Blake said...

advocate1:

I know. So I figured I'd post the spoof over here.

Other than that, the last post shows why no one takes the right seriously anymore. Since the CIA report came out and that after the release of the Duelfer report, President Bush himself stated, "The chief weapons inspector, Charles Duelfer, has now issued a comprehensive report that confirms the earlier conclusion of David Kay that Iraq did not have the weapons that our intelligence believed were there."

So given that, no matter how many forged and 'discovered' years later documents the right can invent, or the fact that they have all of a sudden decided that a few unusable left over mustard gas shells from the Iran-Iraq war that wasted away in some forgotten shelf in a warehouse since then are suddenly 'significant,' they weren't there.

Further, the fact that the President (who had every reason to want to keep us thinking they were there) himself admitted that they were not there makes it clear that the people on the right who are still holding to the 'there-were-WMD-in-Iraq' theory rank right up there with the UFO enthusiasts, the numerologists, the they-buried-an-empty-casket-at-Elvis'-funeral theorists, the creationists, the psychics, and the rest of the crackpots out there. Wonder if any of them are the same folks who claimed in the 1980's that the Apollo landings were fake and it was all done in Hollywood. I'm sure in the 1990's they were the same ones who theorized that the Clintons were having bodies dumped all over the country.

Gee, Fernando, maybe you might suggest that they ask Saddam what he knows about Jimmy Hoffa too.

glenda said...

Damn good writing. I thought I'd woken up from a dream and accidentally turned on FOX news.

Rachel said...

RE: "I am not a reporter of any kind but it took me less than a few minutes of "elbow grease" to find the dreaded WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction). I seemed to have "out-scooped" the entire Democratic Party, New York Times, Los Angeles Times and several other liberal biased reporting outlets out there."

You got one thing right--you're certainly not a reporter. A sucker yes, but not a reporter. The idea that you fell for more phony news and planted evidence from the Reich propaganda machine only proves how gullible you really are. And that reminds me love, did you really pay $2,000 for that bridge in Brooklyn?

Oddly enough, this month's edition Vanity Fair contains an article about the forging of documents and a few tips on how such documents can be manufactured. Considering the fact that these creatures (I no longer think of Republicans as fully evolved human beings) lied to get us into this war, I see no reason why should believe self-serving forgeries which, upon a closer look tell us absolutely nothing. This after all is the same deceitful administration which has no qualms about planting flase news stories and has openly defended such a practice.

I think my stepson (Brandon) has it right. The only way these Republican protohomids would ever tell the truth would be if they did so by accident.

On the other hand, we DO have to give credit where credit is due. The Bush Crime Regime does have one thing to "brag about." It has killed 2500+ American soldiers so that the Iraqis can create an Islamic Republic which will almost invariably form closer ties with the Islamic Republic in Iran.

Wow! I'm really impressed! Let's here it for Islamic theocracies!

NOT

Rachel said...

If you've ever looked at our unabashed dictionary you know what FOX stands for:

Fascists, Oddballs, and Xeonophobes.

Eli Blake said...

rachel:

If anyone asks about documents, just point this out to them:

After the fall of Baghdad, every government building was burned, looted and otherwise vandalized, except for the Oil Ministry, which we made sure was secured by U.S. troops. Dick Cheney even said that the Iraqis who were burning and looting the buildings were 'blowing off steam.' The failure to secure those buildings ahead of the mobs is another consequence of the 'Rumsfeld doctrine' of inadequate troop strength, as well as poor planning and failure to anticipate yet another contingency (rioting) that many people predicted would happen after the local police and other organizations charged with keeping civil order were replaced by our troops.

Among the documents that we don't have as a result are anything they had having to do with those alleged WMD's, Scott Speicher, war crimes, political prisoners, the names of people in Saddam's organization (which have since formed a significant part of the insurgency), as well as information about bin Laden and other terrorists, gathered by what was one of the better intelligence services in the region. The right also claims periodically closer ties between Saddam and bin Laden than there is any evidence that there were, but if there were such ties they would have also been in the documents that were 'burned and looted.'

The good news is this: We did secure the Oil Ministry, so if anyone claims something based on information in an Iraqi geological survey map, it's probably genuine.