THE GOP COLOR GUIDE TO FEAR-MONGERING SECURITY

With all the talk about terrorist attacks and alert systems, I think it's time to revise the present color coded alert system in favor of something that's a little more informative and utilitarian.   As the system works right now, we are always under a yellow, orange, or red alert, which, in addition to being a genuinely horrible combination of colors, does very little to tell us about who or what we are supposed to be afraid of.  I don't know about you, but I think that if someones wants to either alert or frighten us into supporting the Republican Party that someone should at least have the integrity to choose a color code that will inform and enlighten the American people.  I don't want to sound pushy, but I have a modest example here.   It's called the GOP Color Guide to Fear-Mongering "Security," and it works like this.

A PURPLE ALERT would inform you that a disgustingly upbeat purple dinosaur is spreading an anti-American, anti-Republican message of sharing, love, and compassion.

A BLUE ALERT might indicate that liberal democrats are trying to vote.  If such an alert were to be sounded, Red State Governors and election officials would rig the black box voting machines to guarantee additional, fraudulent GOP victories .

A GREEN ALERT would warn corporate polluters about pending inspections in local facilities, giving CEOs and Boards of Directors enough time to raise and distribute illegal funds to pay off state, county, and local inspectors.   In a similar vein, a GREEN ALERT would also be sounded on those occasions when a liberal Congressman or Senator proposes legislation which would provide federal funding for the exploration of alternative energy sources.

A YELLOW ALERT would inform us that all is normal:  The Republicans, most of which never served a single day in the defense of their country, are still afraid of everything from truth, honesty, and decency, to freedom, peace, and critical thinking.


AN ORANGE ALERT would indicate that George W. Bush has again become confused and is threatening to bomb Los Angeles because he can't figure out which side of the toilet paper to use first.

A RED ALERT would mean that Laura (Pickles) Bush  needs to buy more spot remover and lemon juice to wash the blood from her sociopathic husband's hands.

A PINK ALERT would be sounded if a gay couple were to move into a homophobic neighborhood, giving the local Republicans and Fundamentalists an opportunity to don their white sheets and white, pointed dunce caps.

A BROWN ALERT would inform White, gated communities that someone of Hispanic, Mid Eastern, or Indian descent is trying to purchase a house in the neighborhood.   Proceed as for Pink Alert. 

A BLACK ALERT gives Republican officials ample time to close polling places in minority districts which might tend to vote Democratic.

The ever popular WHITE ONLY ALERT is usually reserved for the televised portion of the GOP presidential convention, essentially giving the GOP Spin masters an opportunity to get their token minorities in place for prime time viewing.

GOLD ALERTS would be issued prior to April 15, when covetous corporations, which have already benefited from very generous tax cuts, decide to move their corporate headquarters to avoid taxation altogether.

The patriotic RED, WHITE, AND, BLUE ALERT would serve a number of useful purposes.  First and foremost, it would be dragged out when ever our megalomaniacal Decider wants to add a new failed state to the declining American Empire (read, whenever he wants to start a new war for profit).   Conversely, it might also be used whenever the GOP wants to protect the American flag by defecating on the American Constitution.

The seasonal RED AND GREEN ALERT would usher in the time of year when devout, Republican "Christians" bastardize the holiest time of the year by waging a cultural war over the terms "Merry Christmas" and "Happy Holidays."

THE FUCHSIA ALERT might be employed when Rick Santorum equates gay marriage with child molesting and bestiality.  While cute, this alternative might not be used too frequently because Senator Santorum is usually too busy kissing and cuddling the dead, 20-week-old fetus that he and his wife are keeping on the mantel in a jar of pure grain alcohol.

In my humble opinion, the GOP Color Guide to Fear-Mongering "Security" is far more informative and farm more informative than the present system of color coded alerts which are only designed to promote fear and paranoia and to keep the American people in line as they goosestep into hell itself after their power hungry, manipulative GOP leaders.