Friday, September 30, 2005



By Brandon

From the Coalition Press

London, England—
Scientists associated with Oxford University have discovered a new species of primate in Continental United. Tentatively named Homophobus republicanus inferiorus, the new species seems to represent a previously unknown missing link between the great apes and fully evolved human beings.

According to a professor of anthropology at Oxford University, “Inferiorus represents an important stage in the development of mankind from a time when protrohominids had yet to develop moral characteristics such as compassion, generosity, and every day tolerance.”

Field research has revealed a robust, powerful creature with an exaggerated survival instinct and limited intelligence. The average inferiorus stands approximately 6 feet-3inches tall at the shoulder and weighs approximately 270 to 315 pounds. The teeth are designed for a carnivorous lifestyle; inferiorus remains suggesting that the species tends to be cannibalistic, apparently feeding on weaker members of its own species for the sheer joy of consumption. The body, which tends to be flabby and corpulent in older specimens, is covered with heavt coat of long, rank, dark brown hair. The skull cavity is approximately 20 to 30 percent smaller than that of the least intelligent human being, but the testicles appear to be disproportionately large to the size and weight of the body. Males exhibit similar characteristics although to an even greater extent.

Behaviorally, inferiorus appears to be highly paranoid, seldom leaving the family unit, even during the breeding season which appears to take place with a certain degree of disgust for the reproductive act in general. This however, is to be expected in a tribalistic society in which alpha males hold dominion over every aspect of existence. Males and females tend to form strong social bonds, and may well perform a series of primitive, arcane rituals which are clearly designed to promote long-term relationships, although adult males will frequently stray from their mates, engaging in a form of serial monogamy. “Males are given more freedom to break the social taboo,” said the professor. “Females are typically beaten to death when they have strayed from their respective mates.” Interbreeding among family members is common in the southern subspecies, Homophobus Confederationus Inferiorus, which frequently copulates with siblings, offspring, and cousins.

“The degree of copulation between brothers and sisters and parents and offspring may account for the smaller cranium and often barbarous behavior,” said animal behaviorist Kyle A.J. Kilpatrick. “While interbreeding is more common in the southernmost subspecies it is not unheard of in the population at large.”

On the other hand, relationships between members of the same sex are brutally repressed, with offending members of the tribe either being abandoned or beaten to death my alpha males.

From an environmental point of view, all subspecies of inferiorus appear to be either threatened or endangered: and for obvious reasons. Family tribes tend to deplete resources in a given territory before they move on to the next, leaving what can only be described as an ecological wasteland. Scientists hypothesize that the creatures have no sense conservation and may well lack a sense of self-awareness as well. This poses a serious threat to life forms in areas that inferiorus invades and conquers. Rather than conserving their resources, they tend to over-consume until the landscape is unable to sustain any kind of animal life. They then move into a neighboring territory, where they either destroy or subjugate the local populations, and then deplete the local resources before moving on to yet another territory. The end result is a constant series conflicts with a wide range of species, including their own kind, which usually result in lagre numbers of deaths and serious injuries.

“Make no mistake about it,” offers Kilpatrick. “This is an early form of tribalistic warfare—kind of like what we see in Iraq and in Republican political campaigns.”

Part of the problem may lay in the species’ limited communication skills,” Brimms noted. “Their vocabularies are confined to grunts, groans, and emotional buzz words. That considered, you can see why they react in such a rapacious, impulsive manner.”

Impulsive may be an understatement. Video recordings of live specimens reveal a highly aggressive creature which is quick to lash out or even destroy anything which is in any way different from itself. “This appears to be a form of pre-religious behavior,” said Kilpatrick. “I think we are witnessing a very primitive form of tribalism. I don’t know if they have any conception of an afterlife or a deity, but they are certainly displaying the same kinds of behavior that we see in modern day religious fanatics.”

“We’re dealing with a species that is both, a threat to itself and to others. I would even go so far as to suggest that its primitive, law of the jungle instincts will inevitably lead to its own extinction.”

1 comment:

H.republicanus-inferiorus said...