Tuesday, September 20, 2005



By Brandon and Advocate 1

From the Coalition Press

WASHINGTON DC—In response to declining numbers of new recruits into the various branches of the United States Armed Services, Secretary of War, Donald Rumsfeld has issued an executive order to begin recruitment efforts in American preschools and junior kindergarten classes. Operating under the curious title of Companions Reprogramming All Prepubescent Prodigy (or CRAPP), the new initiative would penalize both, private and public preschools and junior kindergartens which fail to share the names, addresses, and phone numbers of children under the age of four with military recruiters. Those institutions which fail to comply would face an immediate termination of federal funding followed by a federal takeover of their schools.

According to Rumsfeld, the effort was specifically designed as a complimentary program to JROTC (Juvenille Retraining of the Children), which already has a foothold in American Grade Schools where recruiters are serving as everything from wrestling coaches to school volunteers.

“We need to convince parents and children alike that killing and being killed in a war of choice is better than playing with blocks and Barbie Dolls,” Rumsfeld chuckled. Continuing in a similar vein, the gleeful Secretary of War, in a rare moment of inadvertent honesty, openly chided concerned parents who want to protect their children from Bush Administration incompetence. “The fact that we don’t know what we are doing should not deter mothers and fathers from giving their children to promotion-hungry recruiters.”

If enforced, CRAPP would regulate the kinds of activities and curricula which are implemented in American preschools and junior kindergartens. Educational toys would be strictly prohibited, replaced with junior sized models of AK-47s, M-16s, hand grenades, and plastic landmines. Snacks, which typically include graham crackers, cookies, and chocolate milk, would be shelved in favor of junior-sized MREs. Likewise, casual daywear and security blankets would be replaced by camouflage military fatigues and GI Joe dolls, while coloring and/or story books would be supplemented with mandatory readings from SunTzu’s The Art of War.

Said Minister of Indoctrination and Enlightenment, Margaret Spellings: “We are trying to dissuade teachers and parents alike from using any kind of material—written or otherwise—which might teach subversive values such as cooperation, kindness, and forgiveness, which in no way train young people to hunt and destroy their fellow human beings.” In Spellings’s opinion this would include everything from Mother Goose and Doctor Seuss to stuffed toys and fuzzy animal hand puppets.

The response from the public was mixed.

Predictably enough, Anne Coulter was elated. “This is a delightfully Draconian solution to an irrational war,” said Coulter. Speaking at length on the Monday afternoon broadcast of the Lush Rimbaugh Show, the delusional commentator openly embraced the idea of CRAPP or any other federal mandate that would put children in war zones by the age of fourteen-and-a-half. “We need to stop parents from teaching a basic respect for human life,” Coulter told Rimbaugh. “What a glorious day it will be when we can send Black and Hispanic teenagers to dangerous war zones without having to run the political risk of a draft that might actually put the children of rich, white Republicans in harm’s way.”

But when questioned in a September 20 CNN poll, a majority of the respondents were clearly opposed to the Administration’s latest attempt to undermine family values and choices. By a measure of 63% to 34% with only 3% undecided, The American people overwhelmingly rejected the idea of turning infants and preschoolers into soldiers of fortune.

“Maybe we should start using subliminal teaching techniques while they’re still in the womb,” said Kyle Kilpatrick of the left-leaning Parents for a Republican-Free America. “It’s bad enough that we have recruiters infiltrating grade and high schools at every level. I’d hate to see what this measure would do if it isn’t struck down by the Supreme Court.”

Kilpatrick may have over-estimated the bravery of the Administration in general. Upon reading the most recent opinion polls, Minister of Propaganda and Mass Deception Carl Rove announced that CRAPP would not be implemented “at any time in the near future.”

“We tend not to do anything that might damage this president politically,” Rove told the Washington Press Corps on Tuesday. “When given a choice between doing the right thing and saving the President’s political ass we almost invariably do the latter, regardless as to whether or not it involves dangerous or even destructive policies. We got by with No Child Left Untested because no one was paying attention. This time we kind of blew it by being open and honest about our intentions."

Translated into modern English, CRAPP is dead--at least until such time as the Bush Administration finds a better and more acceptable manner in which to undermine the authority of parents and legal guardians.


-M said...

Feel free to link to Free Thought.


Daniel Gallagher said...

Unreal. If you didn't know better you'd think Bush Incorporated were trying to fuck up on purpose!

Enlightenment said...

Shameful. Ab-so-lute-leee SHAME-ful!

Karen said...

We'll try not to worry when recruiters show up at preschools with boxes of pampers, rattles, pacifiers, sippy cups, and teddy bears.