Saturday, December 24, 2005
ALL POINTS CHRISTMAS BULLETIN
Hey guys. We really hate to bother you, but we're having a huge--and we do men a HUGE-- problem with our Christmas tree this year.
Since we brought him home on the day after Thanksgiving, and continuing throughout the month of December, we have suspected that he might be dislodging himself from his plastic Christmas Tree stand and going for protracted evening excursions in the countryside. We became suspicious when we found a trail of pine needles, shreaded garland, and chips of colored glass leading from our living room, to the front door, and down the front drive, but we dismissed this unusual occurance as yet another Yuletide prank from our feisty Siamese cat.
But when we opened our local paper and began to read about a series of unusual car accidents in which the survivors claimed that they had been forced to swerve off the road to avoid a "maniacal Christmas tree" that had "lept into the lane of oncoming traffic" we began to have some serious concerns about what our tree might be doing.
We tried to warn the local authorities about this, but they only looked at us like we were a couple of nuts. Our local police truly believe that these are random accidents caused by dangerous winter weather conditions; slippery ice-covered roads,; reckless, drunk driving, or carless road etiquette.
But my partner CJ and I know better.
This really isn't funny. In the past two days our killer Christmas tree has caused at least four fatalties by jumping into the paths of unsuspecting motorists. We have no idea as to how far our tree can travel, so please, PLEASE be on the laert while traveling during this Holiday Season.
For those of ou who are interested, our tree is approximately 6 1/2 feet tall. It is decorated in multicolored minilights, gold garland, and an assortment of antique, glass ornaments. It answers to the name of Hector. We have posted a recent photo in the upper right hand corner of this post for your convenience.
Please be careful. This tree is armed and dangerous. If you see him, do not try to apprehend him on your own. Instead, contact your nearest emergency lawn care providers and instruct him to spray Hector with a lethal dose of weed killer; or,f you are an environmentalist, please call your local village or city hall and request the immediate use of a wood chipper.
Your assistance in this matter would be highly appreciated and might well save many lives.
And while you're at it, please be so kind as to....
HAVE A VERY SAFE AND A VERY HAPPY HOLIDAY.
Daniel Andrew Gallagher