Wednesday, April 26, 2006



by Brandon Alexander Geraghty-MacKenzie

From the Anal Retentive Press

WASHINGTON DC--After weeks of imbecilic speculation, Pretender George W. Bush finally, finally named Republican pundit, Tony Snow to serve as the Administration's Assistant Propaganda Minister, Speaking at a hastily arrange press conference at the White House, Bush insisted that it was the Pretender's job to hear voices and make decisions, while Snow, acting in his capacity as Administration's front man and official puppet, would handle "whatever distortions, prevarications, and outright lies are necessary to uphold our criminal regime in Washington."

Snow, who had served as a Republican mouthpiece on the FOX (Fools, Oddballs and Xenophobes) Network, exuded a sense of arrogance and satisfaction as the Demander and Thief officially enabled him with the ability to twist the facts as he again misinformed the American people.

"At last we can drop the pretension that the FOX Network is in any way fair and balanced," said Snow. "You have no idea how please I am to work for a dysfunctional administration which is neither fair nor balanced in any way."

White House Chief of Staff, Josh Bolten, who snapped digital photographs of the president's hands throughout the entire press conference, agreed. "Not only is Tony an accomplished prevaricator," said Bolten, "He's a gorgeous piece of beef cake with a pretty face and a body that just won't quit. With a little luck he won't only stick it to the press and the American people--he'll stick it to a 46- year old staffer desperately needs to cure himself of another fetish."

Snow's appointment as the new Assistant Propaganda Minister finally dispels the ludicrous idea that the clearly biased Fox Network is, or ever has been, interested in legitimate journalism. According to Rupert Murdoch, the owner and puppet master behind FOX, "this might be a good time to change our name from FOX to a more descriptive corporate catch phrase. Suggestions include: "Republican State Broadcasting," "Natiional Republican Media," "The GOP Network," "Red State Communications," , and the highly appropriate, "Gotcha Suckers!"

Snow, who insists that the only time he has ever told the truth was when he did so by accident, seemed both, elated and satisfied as he took the official oath of loyalty to the the president, promising to uphold and defend George W. Bush against the law and the United States Constitution. "I solemnly swear, " Snow intoned. "To undermine truth, justice, and the American Way."

Bush concurred, maintaining that both he and Snow would "always tell the truth unless a lie might work better."

True to form, the reporters offered no serous questions, but merely extended their right arms, hands outstretched , in the usual Pavlovian manner.

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