BUSH ALTERNATIVE TIME LINE

BUSH ALTERNATIVE TIME LINE

Revised Version for 2006-2010
By Brandon and Daniel

October  2006--Republicans retain majorities in both houses of Congress in November 2006 elections

 Early January 2007--Inspired by voice of Jesus, Bush proposes the establishment of a Christian Republic.  Demands Constitutional Amendment declaring Christianity the one and only official faith of the United States. 

 

 Late January 2007--Following allegations that Israeli-Lebanese War was planned in Washington as a means to distract from the failed U.S. invasion of Iraq, Bush issues presidential decree proclaiming himself the official Media Tsar of the United States, essentially demanding the right to control output of all media, both print and electronic.   Bush also demands the right to place roadblocks on the information highway, including the censorship of all "unfriendly blogs or other sites which to do not recognize the American President as being "more than a mere human being." 

February 2007- Fueled by increasingly violent fantasies about the Rapture and the End Times, Bush calls a secret cabinet meeting demanding that all attempts to promulgate war be labeled as either "diplomatic efforts" or "attempts at peace making."   During course of conversation, Bush announces, that he is the spiritual and moral equivalent of Jesus and demands that all followers wear his mark either on their foreheads or in the palms of their right hands. 

 

March 2007--Congress appropriates funds for the construction of  a larger than life size statue of Anne Coulter.   Finished product has Coulter riding the back of a large, red beast.   

 

April 2007-Senator Rick Santorum proposes legislation that would mandate the cuddling and kissing of dead fetuses, ages 20 weeks and younger. 

May 2007--Radicalized House of Representatives proposes Constitutional Amendment that would declare the United States a "Christian Republic." 

June 2007 --Senate introduces and passes the above Amendment.

Early September 2007--Following failed attempt to starve out minorities and low income residents in Hurricane ravaged New Orleans, Bush Regime diverts public attention to terrorism and social issues.   Government-planned and executed terrorist attack on Mall of America is used as an excuse to heighten sense of fear and paranoia for the upcoming 2008 elections, although secret papers will eventually reveal that the intention had been to cancel the elections in the first place.

 

Mid-September 2007-- Eye brows are raised when Supreme Court Justice Roberts makes an off the cuff remark about a "final solution to the gay and lesbian problem."

 

Late September 2007--Alberto Gonzalez proposes the Christian Protection Act.  See below. 

October 2007--Congress introduces and  passes the  above Christian Protection Act which forbids nonchristians to teach in public and private schools. Act also bans gays and unwed mothers from serving in the same capacity while imposing heavy fines and penalties on those who advocate Separation of Church and State.

November 2007--Bush Administration uses executive powers to ban the teaching of Darwinism in public schools. Ban imposes heavy fines on those who fail to endorse Creationism as scientific fact.. Secretary Rumsfeld threatens use of military tribunals against any individual or group of individuals which "fails to promote the Judeo-Christian interpretation of Creation."

December 2007--Congress declares homosexuality to be a crime against nature. Provides funding for the investigation and persecution of known and suspected gays and lesbians..

February 2008-- Despite previous praise for the nation of Israel, Judaism  is declared a crime against the  American State.  Mel Gibson appointed as head of the new Christian Purity Protection Department which opnely promotes the vandalization of Jewish shops and cemetaries.

March 2008--Islamic terrorist attacks on Houston, Atlanta, and Miami. In following weeks more than 50,000 Muslims are beaten and killed in the streets while law enforcement officers, under secret orders from Alberto Gonzalez, either watch or take part in the actual beatings, Jerry Falwell  and Pat Robertson proclaim the pogrom to be the "work of God in our world today.".  After learning that a majority of the terrorists were Saudi nationals, Bush orders bombing of Helsinki, Finland, noting "I never liked the sound of the word Hell-sink-eeee." 

 

April 2008--Despite average summer temperatures of 99 degrees and repeated droughts, Senator James Imhoff, in an attempt to distract from his recently revealed affair with Senator Rick Santorum, announces that those who believe in Global Warming are "in league with the Devil."   Senate passes the Scientific Protection Act which declares all forms of scientific research not approved by the Executive branch to be forms of witchcraft.  

May 2008--Congress limits the right to hold state, local, or federal office to those individuals who can prove that they are either baptized or rebaptzied Christians. Bush, via presidential decree, claims the right to decide what comprises a legitimate Christian sect.

June 2008-- Queer Eye for the Straight Guy stars are hunted and burned. Their makeover victims burned at the stake in Salem, Massachusetts.  In a twist on the old Medieval custom, Wican practitioners are set on fire to ignite the kindling, thus inventing the term "wags." 

Mid July 2008--In an effort to fuel the flames of war, Secretary Donald Rumsfeld orders terrorist attacks in Jerusalem, with attacks concentrated on sites considered holy to Jews, Christians, and Muslims.

 

Late July 2008--Following failed peace negotiations, which are later reveled as staged events, Israel, acting on secret orders of the United States, Rumsfeld launches preemptive attacks on Iran and Syria.   In retaliation, Iran sends 200,000 suicide brigades into Iraq, killing 40,000 American soldiers and 450,000 Sunnis and infidels.   Beginning of World War III celebrated by the Christian Right.   George W. Bush declares that it is the duty of "every true believer to kill a heathen for Christ."    Administration enraged when Russia and China step in to assist client states of Iran and Syria.   Bush declares draft for all young men ages 14 to 53.  During address to nation, Bush states that "no type of weaponry will be considered off limits."   European allies refuse to intervene, reminding American Fuhrer of recent attacks on Finland.

 

Early August 2008--With Mid East embroiled in generalized war, gas prices soar to $8.50 a gallon.   Price will eventually reach $200 a gallon before war global conflagration is over.  

 Mid August 2008--Congress passes the Anti-Blasphemy Act which criminalizes speech against the King James Bible, Christian symbols, or Christianity in general. Fines range from public humiliation to public torture. Flogging, stretching, and the strapado are reintroduced as viable interrogation techniques.  Evidence derived from such practices are acceptable in all American courts.  No such penalties are imposed on actions which desecrate Catholic Bibles or Catholic property. 

 

September 2008--Bush cancels 2008 elections.  Declares himself the Decider Divine.   Congress later declares martial law, establishing Bush as "Decider for Life."

 

October 2008-- Halloween declared a form of blasphemy,   NSAs (Neighborhood Security Associations) are established for the immediate  execution of any child or adult who attempts to "celebrate the open and obvious worship of Satan."

November 2008--Heresy declared a capitol offense. More than 150,000 heretics are executed via hanging, burning, or flogging within the next four months. Several states pass their own versions of the former Puritan Blue Laws.  Subsequent laws demand the video recording of all torture and execution, many copies of which are later discovered in George W. Bush's bedroom between a private collection of adult magazines and kiddy porn. 

 

Early December 2008--Christmas Protection Act passed in both houses of Congress at behest of the Divine Select.   Imposes strict guidelines for sizes of Christmas trees, mandates the display of nativity scenes, and bans all images of and references to Santa, noting that Santa is an anagram of Satan.  Steep financial fines imposed for first offense; public flogging for the second; execution via slow torture for the third.  Said Senator Pat Roberts, "If these sons of bitches don't get the love, joy and peace of Christmas then we'll kick their f---ing asses!" 

Mid December 2008--To cash in on the prevailing wave of intolerance, major TV networks create reality-based programs which feature the live torture and alleged confessions of so called "witches." The most successful of these programs, Sinclair's "To Burn Or Not To Burn," eradicates more than 150 accused "witches" "sorcerers" during the first season alone. 

 

Late December 2008--Borrowing from the playbook of the late Ayatollah Koehemni, Pat Robertson places a bounty of the head of J. K. Rowlings, claiming Harry Potter is a threat to the moral frabric of America. 

January 2009--Tensions between Ultra Fundamentalist Protestants and Far Right Catholics begin to boil over when Bush declares that "God does not hear the prayers of a Papist." Catholics stage protests which are brutally repressed by the Justice Department''s Christian Intimidation Society.  

 

February 2009--Mid Eastern war boils over as Australia, and South American nations contribute troops to protect Israel.   Presidential promises of American involvement are revealed as meaningless, when  Bush offers a token force of 25,000 troops,   rumors begin to circulate that the United States is experiencing a Protestant-Catholic Schism in which the only thing the two sides can agree upon is the execution of gays and non-Christians. 
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March 2009--After months of bitter unrest Bush declares himself to be the Second Coming of Christ. Bush then declares America to be a Protestant Theocracy, noting "democracy in our time was a terrible failure which saved no souls and did little to promote the conservative compassion of Christ."  Declaration does not mention increasing levels of violence between Catholics and Protestants. 

April 2009--Official beginning of the "Great Evangelical Schism." Civil War between Conservative Protestant South and Reactionary Catholics devolves quickly into a blood soaked grab for power between the various Christian sects. After the tragic death of Vice president Cheney, who suffere a massive coronary while shooting anti-war protesters infront of the Lincol Monument,  Paul Gonzalez is promoted to office of Vice President. New Attorney General, Franklin Graham  promptly declares Holy Crusade against all Non Protestants and Non Fundamentalists.

March 2009--Civil War, the Great Evangelical Schism officially erupts.  During the course of the conflict, both sides manage to execute nine million witches, heretics, and homosexuals.

April 2009--Great Evangelical Schism turns nuclear as Donald Rumsfeld orders the use of WMDs. More than 27 million killed in nuclear strikes. 50 million additional lives claimed by plague and famine. Situation complicated by use of biological and chemical weapons against civilian populations.  Divine Select  Bush celebrates the deaths as proof that he will lead triumphant Christians to Heaven.

May 2009- In an attempt to stop the "escalating degeneration of Western Civilization," The Bush Regime substitutes the Book of Leviticus for the United States Constitution.

Early June 2009 --America descends into chaos despite forces of theocracy and tyranny

 

Mid June 2009--Finally disgusted by massive warfare and side effects of war, Mid Eastern Jews, Christians, and Muslims agree to long overdue peace talks.   Vice President Gonzalez condemns increasingly promising negotiations as a "slap in the face to those who get their sexual satisfaction from of blood, death, and destruction."   Gonzalez later denies rumors that he is sexually stimulated by the idea of mass murder. 

 

Late June--2009-- War-weary Mid Easterners agree to prolonged cease fire.   Peace negotiations proceed at an accelerated rate.   European Union, in conjunction with other industrialized nations looks upon use of WMDs within the United States, including biological and nuclear weapons, as "an increasing threat to world peace and environmental security ." 

 

July 2009--Disturbed by increasing ecological damage and growing instability stemming from Great Evangelical Schism, the European Union with assistance from Russia, China and South America, invades war torn American Republic.   Former Vice President Gonzalez found trying to escape in his late mother's favorite dress.   Upon capture, Gonzalez quips, "I'm harmless-- I wouldn't even hurt that little fly!"     Bush, Graham,  Rumsfeld, and other accused war criminals are subsequently put on trial for crimes against humanity and the environment. During cross examination at his trial, Bush, in a delusional, paranoid state,  whips out his ice cold phallus and openly admits that he is the Antichrist, Claiming that Vice President Gonzalez is the False Prophet and that Anne Coulter is the Whore of Babylon.

August 2009--Remaining territory of American Republic is temporarily partitioned by England, France, Germany, Russia, and Brazil. Provisional capitol moved to Chicago, Illinois..

September 2009 --Christian Fundamentalism and the Republican Party are banned in the same way Nazism was banned in Germany after World War II. Schools and society in general are officially Derepubicanized.  During second series of war crime trials, religious leaders Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Jams Dobson, and Ralph Reed are found guilty of war crimes and sentenced to hard labor in San Francisco. 

October 2009--Following public executions of convicted war criminals, reparations proceed at an accelerated rate. Environmental cleanup initiated in major American Urban Centers. International Corporations like Haliburton and Bechtel forced to pay costs of war.

 

November 2009--Leaders of the various factions in the Great Schism are tried in the Hague.  Most are found guilty, with the exception of Pat Robertson, who is found "not guilty by reason of congenital imbecility."

 

December 2009--American Society De-fundamentalized in the same manner as Nazi Germany was denazified after World War II.   Under guidance of European Democracies, last bastions of theo-fascism are rooted out, tried, and sentenced to prison terms ranging from five years to life.   Jerry Falwell cheats the executioner by hanging himself with a bed sheet.   James Dobson foils the court by taking a lethal dose of conscience.

 

Janurary 2010--Free elections held in the newly restore American Republic.   Historians consider these the first free elections since the year 2000. 

 

Febrruary 2010--Begining of the American Reconstruction, no cleansed of the theo-fascist cancer.